Acceptance...

Born This Way...

)(I)(
True to my sign,
I do what I do, because I can...

I am not resigned to my Fate...
My Fate is what I make of it.

Because I cannot help but try,
I will have no regrets in this life.

)(II)(
I am in a Box of Neutrality...
Living in that Space of Gray... 

I do care, just not until I need to.

Think of it as necessary S.E.C...
Spiritual Energy Conservation.

Detachment, my loving Friend,
Thank you.

~K~
?/2015

My Way...

09.27., 10.01.15...

I know I'm that person that people have to make a move to know... I don't become intense & dramatic & goofy & passionate until you turn the key. :-) What most people don't realize is that the key is always in plain sight... just talk to me. ;-) My long term friends know that, but when acquaintances see it, I'm glad... means I'm not hiding at all.

I AM nice. I AM sweet. But I also do not broadcast... not everyone puts everything out there for the whole world to see. If it, whatever "it" is, comes up in a conversation, I will discuss it... I've never had a problem going deeper, getting closer... especially since my best friends helped me drop all the protective walls. ;-) I didn't have them up too long... they came down long before they had any chance of solidifying.

10.01.15... am.... I am a Genie to the person who deserves me & especially learns how to ask me for what they want & need... but most people just skim the surface, just toe dip. Most people get too embarrassed just being exactly who they are. I don't judge anyone or try to change anyone. I deal with you where you are, but I do speak up if you are being harmful to me, emotionally, spiritually, physically. That's my responsibility. If you continue to be careless, I leave. Just because others choose to put up with your crap, doesn't mean I have to.

11.07.15...No contact equates to not wanting to be bothered, so I eventually leave you where you sit... and everyone gets that treatment. I'm not coming in after someone who won't make a move; I'm not doing all the grunt work in this... I'm not "that"girl... 50-50 or I'm out. I'll make an effort to stay connected, but if you drop off considerably, w/o any explanation, I'm gone... because all your actions say is, my feelings don't matter enough. You want to stay in your hole, go right ahead. I don't have the sympathy or patience for crappy behavior anymore. Step up, or step out.

The Moment / Lisa Stansfield

I don't believe in me
I don't believe in you
But I believe this feeling
And I just cant contain
The passion and the pain
You've got to feed the flame
inside of me

It starts slow
find it creeps up upon me
Reaches down into
the soul of me
The rush is warm
I anticipate the feeling
I know I'm gonna glow
Oh make me glow

I don't believe in me
I don't believe in you
But I believe this feeling
And I just cant contain
The passion and the pain
You've got to feed the flame
inside of me

Layer by layer
You strip the sadness from me
And the dark is slowly
washed away
I breathe you in
And I'm intoxicated
I feel the blood flow
through my veins

I don't believe in me
I don't believe in you
But I believe this feeling
And I just cant contain
The passion and the pain
You've got to feed the flame
inside of me

No future and no past
No questions left to ask
No tomorrow, no today
Nothing but the moment
I look but I don't see
I feel but I don't touch
I'm where l wanna be
Here In the moment

I'm being who I'll never be
Seeing all I'll never see
Just you and me

I don't believe in me
I don't believe in you
But I believe this feeling
And I just cant contain
The passion and the pain
You've got to feed the flame
inside of me

No future & no past
No questions left to ask
No tomorrow, no today
Nothing but the moment
I look but I don't see
l feel but I don't touch
I'm where I wan no be
Here in the moment

"Woman" / Toni Braxton

I worked late but you didn't wait up
My bones ache, I'm cleaning the place up
Sometimes I don't even know why I care

I sit down take off my make-up
I lay down but you don't wake up
Sometimes I wonder if you know I'm there

I can't remember the last time you
Told me I'm beautiful, and I can't remember
Last time you said anything at all

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

Now I hope that you don't wake up
When it's too late to make up
You'll be the one that's alone and that's sad

In time you'll find somebody
The truth is she'll never be me
And that's when you're going to miss what we had

When all I really needed to hear was "you're beautiful"
All I really needed to hear was anything at all

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

I'm not your friend who only needs you sometimes
And if I'm your lady
You got to treat me like...

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

A woman needs your heart
A woman needs your all
A woman needs your everything
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
And I deserve your everything
I'm a woman
I'm a woman
I'm a woman

Comfortable Fitting Genes...

07.03.2015...

To look at the "unwanted absence" positively... (1.) no one of lackluster substance is here, wasting my time right now... (2.) I know what I want, I know what I like, I know what I'm willing to put up with & if deemed necessary, walk away from...  (3.) I'm currently not being bullshitted by anyone, neglected or abused. (4.) I know how to treat me & I'm very good at reflecting that. If you wish to do the same, I can give you a chance. ;-)

I've never been in a place of lack, just always overflow... I know all I have to give & want to... and that's where some of my upset has stemmed from. Being alone is not a bad thing... it's just sometimes way too quiet, especially for me. (07.04.15) I'm an active friend, all in or all out --- a natural communicator... if you start talking w me, I'll continue as much as you do & then some. If you stop any of it w no warning, I don't, until I start feeling the void.

Consistency is important to me... don't waste my time.

07.04, 09.15...pm... I'm also a lover, not a fighter... I'm willing to "go there" to clear the air; I don't let problems sit & fester, hoping they'd just up & go away. I try to exhaust all avenues before I walk. (07.10) I'm a pretty reasonable woman... it's a pity not everyone who shows up takes the time to realize that... even those who seem to have sense.

(07.04) I know how much I am loved by most... I know how much I am cared for, but "it", as of late, is more sensed by me than shown by "them". Yashi & Co. stopped by a while ago, after picking up Robé from work... dropping off a gift, for me, just because. :-) It was a good visit.

07.07.15... am... Had a good day out w Indira & Yashi... asked me a favor Saturday for Monday, didn't mind. Went to lunch after & had a good time talking.

07.10.15... am... Stopped by again yesterday to drop off two more gifts before they headed out to Naples this weekend. Had I plans to go to the retreat next weekend, I'd have what to lounge in.:-) I am, however, looking forward to being busy the next 3 Saturdays... ;-) Trying to get into going out on my own more... not something I've ever done much. My hope was to change that this year.

Tomorrow, going to Crafty to help out on Donna's Lady Liberty... next Sat, to see Tantrum at Stage Left, and the following Sat back to Crafty, maybe. :-) Nice...

pm... I've never opened a door I don't plan on walking through regularly... which is why I hate it so damn much when they (guys) stop dead in their tracks... but I'm learning how to release that, not give much of a fuck anymore when they do so... thank you, Detachment. I'm in such deep neutral these days... I did well today, not feeding on V's varied annoyances... not my flying monkeys. I consciously stayed quiet, didn't question what or why... & it ended quick enough. Me being silent during that felt weird to both of us, but I wasn't on a fishing expedition, so I refused to ask for clarity.

07.12.15... am, just after 12... Did go, did have fun. It's nice having a shared hobby & I got the chance to see more of the shop. I'd like to keep to the new schedule I've set for myself, which is now stopping in every other weekend, barring other events or situations... :-)

am... after 9... I exist in the moment until the other's activities propel me out of the moment... truly enveloping what my sign reflects. Didn't think I'd ever be this comfortable in my Gemini skin, but, I'm here & I'm happy. :-) Yay!

L-O-V-E....

02.17.15... A Many Splendored Thing...

Always know this... I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. No ifs, ands, buts or maybes... that's just how I roll... because I am Love, Personified. But... so are You, even if you cannot see it. Love commands respect, understanding & generosity just from its existence alone. It doesn't need to push itself on anyone, it just Is. If none of these keys are present, it's not Love.

If I say it once, twice, a thousand times, I mean it. I never say anything I don't mean, and I always show what I cannot say. I hope for the same in return. Much easier for me to tell the truth than to lie. You deserve that much, as do I. Knowing that I deserve love too is paramount to me being able to love you. I cannot give you what I don't give myself, and that I must always remember to do, first. I teach you how to treat me.

You wonder how can I love you? Because you matter, especially to me. I truly see the Inner You you protect from the world, and that part deserves to feel Love at all times to stay whole. Also, because everyone deserves to be loved. I love you especially because you make a consummate effort to be real & present & honest. You show me who you are at all times. I can't help but love you for that gift.

Some clearly appreciate it and want more; but some clearly don't know how to and squander it. I've met my fair share of both. You cannot give and expect to get back... that's not how it works. If you give just to give, it will come back to you. It always does, just not always from the same place . . . and if you are too busy looking at where you sent it, waiting for it to come back, you miss the deluge about to surround you of what you actually need from everywhere else in your life.

Residual Purge...

01.24.15
Still tired... so I just don't care much right now, at least not like I used to. I'm still at half power... and the things that used to recharge me, just aren't working too well. The battery discharged, leaving crusty residue on the leads. They're just words right now, and hollow ones at that. I am trying however, and that's a good place to start.

I want someone to want to be around me... consistently. I know that isn't too much to ask of a man. Way too much to ask of children... and unfortunately, that's all that's been showing up. Broken ones. At least Julian had the decency to admit that, and for that, he has my respect. Back to Square 1, again.

I didn't need Scott to waste my time if he didnt want to or couldn't be there anymore. All he had to do was walk away. Pathetic SOB... after 12 years, there was a better way of shutting us down. The neutral truth would have been better....not the shitstorm he served me... bitch didn't want to explain his actions to me, eventhough they affected me.

This is "that" ugly week.... the one when I knew we were done & I'd never hear from him again because he killed "us"... by choosing to be childish & hurtful. I'm better, but it still stings, especially today, because this was the day I realized he didn't care anymore. :-(

I'm not angry anymore, nor numb... but in my quiet moments, like now, I still cry deeply. Just because I finally accept what happened, doesn't mean I don't still hurt, a little. I can't avoid how I feel this week. I don't treat my friends that way. I just wish it would go away, but I know what happens if I don't process it. :-(

I'm just so damn tired of it rearing its head. This is about the time I'd have a friend distracting me... but there's no one here.

(Late evening) I vented 3 ways... Richard, Mom, Chanda. Feeling better. :-)

01.26.15 (early morn)... I think he just needed to talk to someone, but I stand firm in my choice to not call Martin yet... I have too much on My Emotional Plate to take on more, just yet. The fact that he didn't approach me to find out why I didn't call, is proof to me I made the right decision for me. I finally put his number in my phone, so it's a start.

01.28.15... Once one opens the door, walk in; you catch me, you don't get to just stop... you can slow down, though... just not to a dead stop. It's not a self-sustaining entity, yet... you've done no work to make it so, otherwise I wouldn't be complaining, nes pa?

If you stop taking care of a car, it eventually stops working... relationships are the same. Once you've caught me, you've got to keep me interested.... Crumbs are not enough. You get lazy, I get gone. I'm willing to be patient with anybody, but if you consistently keep me in the dark, why should I stay? Make an effort, I appreciate it. Give me something worthwhile to hold on to. Give me reasons to be patient & understanding & you'll get everything & more.

Sorry he didn't get that memo...

Green Tara, Details & Connections...

~ ~ Om tare tuttare ture svaha::: 

 I prostrate to the Liberator, Mother of all the Victorious Ones.~ ~

~ GreenT: The Buddha of Enlightened Activity

~ Tara=Known as the Mother of Liberation,
came into existence from a single tear of Chenrezig (Tibetan) / Avalokitesvara.

~ (m, Sanskrit) Avlokitesvara = Guanyin (f, Chinese) = Chenrezig (Tibetan) Universal manifestation of Compassion

~ Tibetan form of Parvati, consort of Shiva, Hindu goddess of Love, Fertility & Devotion. 

Mother of Ganesh. Yoni. The recreative energy & power (shakti) of Shiva.

~ Shakti is pure energy, untamed, unchecked and chaotic.

01.24.15.... My Truth...

The Woman in Me (Needs the Man in You)
Song by Shania Twain

Lyrics:

I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose

But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on

The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly

Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you

When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face

The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly

Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you

Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
I need you baby
Yeah yeah Oh baby...

4th Agreement Promise...

12.04 & 13.14...The Difference, pt 2...

Now that I don't take things so personally anymore, I can accept, albeit begrudgingly, that when people make things more difficult than they have to to be with me, it's clearly not about me, but about their perception of the situation. I self-check enough to know when the issue is clearly mine... I'm not taking on someone else's crap if they don't wish to deal with their own... especially if they refuse to see it. Not my job... not my flying monkeys. ;-)

I am clear enough & decent enough & direct enough & patient enough that if you cannot figure out how to communicate properly with me, just go or stay away. I am not a difficult person to know or care for... and I cannot help what I may stir up in you. I'm willing to help, but you have to be willing to deal with it. Most people who show up are not. I know what my crap looks like & I have worked too long & too hard on myself every damned day to have anyone FUCK that all up.

 I deal with my shit... deal with yours.

Love to Love You, Baby...

11.23.14.... Want, Need, Desire...

Want & Need come from lack; Desire comes from believing one is deserving of it. Two negatives versus one really big positive.

Need,
at its worst=Desperation

Want,
at its worst=Greed

Desire,
even at its strongest=Intense Wishing 

11.28.14... Someday...

Someone will know what they do want & act like they deserve me... someone will love me the way I wish to be & know how to love... until that day comes, I must hold on to hope & just keep being me, especially in those dark lonely moments. :-) Quality time is important... and I'm not getting that from anyone. I deserve that for all I give.

11.30.14...Appreciate the Silence...
Not too bad today.
Detachment feeling pretty good right about now.

Relationship FYI...

12.06 & 13.14...

Too many people who show up then leave (or create holding patterns) have this ignorant notion that relationships are supposed to be self-sustaining entities, and if you have the nerve to ask for something, there something wrong with you or you want too much or you're the one with issues.... they don't get that sustaining a connection is important to the growth of the relationship. 

We don't have to talk every day, but we have to connect on some level to grow together... and for that to happen, you have to allow me access to your inner being. Staying closed off gets you nowhere but misunderstood, at arms length, nothing but surface level drivel. That's not what a relationship with me ever is... friendship or otherwise.

Those people in our lives where it looks like we are doing nothing, we've already created such a deep connection that we just have to think of each other & we're there, at all times. I know what you think & feel because you shared it with me. I can respect your boundaries because I don't want to harm you. I can offer you what you need, want, desire because you let me clearly see you.

Life, in its many views...

12.21.14... Solstice Searching...

I have never been someone who rejects, but accepts. When I let you in it is because I am ready for the experience; there are no accidents of fate for me, only multitudinous experiences. You are not just "something to do until better comes along", you matter here & now, or I wouldn't have bothered. I want the opportunity to show you why & how you matter, and if you cannot get that, then you don't deserve what I have & want to offer... but only because you don't think so... those words will never cross my lips. 

Falling in love with someone is just accepting that they could be more than what they already are to you... your love for them grows exponentially & infinitely. Your level of intimacy changes. If you are long time friends, you finally allow yourself to see & desire the man or woman that has always been there, at your side.

I have always been hungry, hit the ground running, open to anything... but it has always seems denied to me, solely on the other's minimal action / non-action. Hard to move forward with someone who won't, to do more with someone doing just enough, to be yourself with someone afraid of their own shadow. I've met them all... and come close to loving a few.

I just rolled out of bed with a resolution to be fulfilled...to never care again if I'm ever with someone again... not a melancholy thought, but a practical one... if I can't have things the way I want them, then I don't want a meager substitute... and that's for me to decide what that is or isn't. I'm not giving up on what I want, just remembering to take a quiet step back from constant thought on the subject, so it has time to grow into what I desire, because my best experiences always happen when I least expect them, and always because I put the energy / thought / seed out there & just leave it be, focusing elsewhere until the time is right for its fruition. I need to give it time & space to "just happen"... because constant thought about it is like pressing the reset button, over & over & over again. I know what I want & need & desire... and when the timing is right, it will happen... because it always does. :-)

I have no idea what's coming in this new year... but I am ready for it. That, regardless of all my road twists & turns, has always been my constant.