Deflection, Diffusion & Dispersion...

11.05, 07.14....Simmer, Not Scorch

I have always been a very passionate person... but like all of my favorite animals, both real and fantastical, the methodical ones that people underestimate until it's way too late & at times fatal, I make a point of showing it, positively or negatively, very carefully, cautiously, patiently. I don't like to overwhelm anyone. Luckily for me & everyone close, I make a habit of filtering my thoughts & feelings before I say or do some things... I have a volcanic temper, a sharp intellect & tongue, and I know how to use them quite effectively; I am also quite strong & physically faster than I look. I always try to use my powers for good, but if I ever do say something negatively unfiltered, it took a crapload to push me there, and at that point, your feelings be damned, because that's what was done to me to finally propel me there. 

I'm just as much an instant reactor to things like most people, but I always try to dial it back & look at the bigger picture before I say or do something I cannot take back. That's my primary reason for being quiet. I'm not a negative emotional bomber, and I'm not about to start now. I saw something this week that initially irritated me... but I didn't react to it this time like I normally would... and that shocked & impressed me. Whatever insecurities deep within, have finally been tempered and that will always make me smile. Either that, or I'm just too damn tired & fed up to care anymore. Nah... I'll go with the first one. ;-)

For example, the bigger picture observation 2 days ago was, considering who I'm dealing with & the chaos their life is currently in, I'm very lucky to get what I do get from them... which has been a level of clarity I sometimes don't ask for but graciously accept... intimacy we've never had before now... connection in spite of emotional trauma & external drama for us both in our lives, happily not caused by each other. 

Reminding myself subconsciously that I know who I'm dealing with, and that they are doing the very best they can with me under the circumstances, neutralized the irritation instantly. Asking the right questions did too, and luckily for me, that habit hasn't stopped just because the last intimate couldn't handle it. 

It was truly the first time for me, not taking something personal, kicked in without a second thought, taking me from bothered to neutral in less that a minute. For me, that's pretty damn great, because that 4th Agreement has been my nemesis for far too long.  :-)

Talk to Me...

10.24, 25.14... My Sharing Need...

I don't always need a response, but it is always nice to get one... especially those times where I've shared something so tender & fragile & potentially embarrassing that the silence of no response might shatter me. That's when the silence is most deafening & threatening... feels like rejection on my end. Even the tiniest response ("Oh") is better than nothing at all. Guys are not usually good at seeing/picking up on that, esp through email or text, unless you say so, so I make a point of asking when I clearly need it.

Never used to need it so much, but after you've been hurt, doubts instantly tend to show up in those quiet spaces, provoking annoying, residual crap from the past....

Feelings....

10.20, 25.14...I may despise the process but I've always known "why" I believe they leave when they finally do... and it's not about me, directly... I know it really isn't personal when they leave badly... but it sure as hell fucking feels like it.

All I've been & continue to be is the Me they fell for; they have nothing left to give (after they got more than they bargained for), got what they wanted (lazy giver, selfish taker), can't keep up (bit off more that they could chew) or they don't feel worthy ("I don't deserve you").... I know in my heart, that is the truth they see & feel... because I know I'm not projecting that... I self-assess so damn much, I just know... which is why it stings when it's "done" the way they end it, carelessly, cluelessly, painfully, selfishly. We always know when it doesn't feel right, and sometimes the clues are as plain as day... we just don't want to deal with the outcome to be, sometimes.

I'm the kind of person, that being with and around me regularly, you will have to face yourself... because on some level you will self-check (compare) against my actions & become aware that you are either giving close to or giving very dismally as compared to me... haven't yet experienced a man not related to me give more than me, to me. It's not a competition... I don't make you "do" it, it just happens... and eventually emotionally lazy, angry, unconsciously resentful, scared and/or confused people, always leave... since the ones happy with our direction, willing to create a foundation we can grow from, stay, linger or hopefully, come back when they can. You all know who you are. ;-)

Wed,10.22.14...Body Memory....

My conversation with Chanda yesterday was bittersweet... I was enjoying it, but key words were sparking old feelings that still ring painfully true & always will. I love him & I miss him & I wish it hadn't ended the way it did. I realize I went into hard mourning yesterday for the end of us. There was a sharp shift between December & January, and for me, January 17th will always be our death date... he ended us that day when he stopped speaking... only the 2nd friendship to end hurtfully & unnecessarily. My unconditional love & expression of it was from a good & honest place; I have no regrets of any of that... he just pushed me away. Hate or love.... wanted, needed me gone. Still hurts like hell, but Oh well... it is what it is, done. It's just been a long time since the last time I was here, 30 years ago.

10.23.14...just successfully meditated for the first time in a year & a few months.... felt good, esp after a pressure point massage/self-reiki session. Just trying to appreciate a quiet pocket of neutral space...
Was a fun test of focus... the music I'm listening to is not usually relaxing... only some of it is, so it was amusing to stay focused on it and successfully block everything else going on around me, out here on my patio.

Now I'm just chair dancing.

And smiling. ;-)

Right now, just enjoying the music, feeling like a flexible metronome.

Jacob's Ladder....

09.29.14....Tables Turned....Flip the Script

I realized something, just now... if the people I care most about and think are so wonderful are having such a hard time getting someone they're into to finally jump to the next step... I should not be surprised or upset about my current lack. There is no one out there currently worth my time & effort. I hate the state of affairs (no pun intended), but it is what it is. Hrmph....

The weak assed males of today & the desperate women that encourage their behavior are at fault for that. The crazy assed females & the sorry pathetic men who encourage their behavior are also at fault. So because everyone else puts up with your shit, I should just get on board? No fucking thank you... I'll pass. 

When did values or/and standards die out? When did being upfront & honest become a bad thing to have stamped on you? When did people fucking stop effectively communicating, if they ever really did?

Grow the fuck up, people... deal with your baggage. I don't want to & shouldn't have to sort through it... I am renewably happy for a damn fucking good reason...I have and continue to sort through & clean my own house regularly, so I earned the right to be content & confident.... I work at it, always.

Even on my worst possible days, I never stopped growing & changing. I never gave up on me... I know I'm worth fighting for.

Silent Contemplation...

09.25.14....It has been a full month for me today since I completed the whole ritual... and ways I can tell I'm in a better place is because the things that brought me peace before the relationship ending, are bringing me peace once again. :-) Good.

I can fiercely accept the lessons he left with goodness in my heart for the friend he was to me, while he was still present. Although not necessary for me, his way of ending things are what they were... pathetic. Oh well. His damned loss.

I can accept the fact that he's gone & I do not want him back. I am becoming more of someone he will never ever understand, because he chooses not to. During our interactions, SE regularly tried to upend things about me just for the chaotic fun of it, while DR and I graciously agree to disagree.

Something made the 1st stop caring enough to act right... whereas the 2nd never did & missed me enough to walk back into my life. :-)

10.01.14... I never asked any more of SE than (1) he was willing to give, (2) I thought he could, (3) any of my other friends. Terms of availability were negotiable... we were supposed to be friends. I never forced him to do anything for me; I never begged or demanded either.... that ending was more than just mean or rude, it was dishonorable.

10.03.14...I think D & I last spoke Tuesday... I haven't said anything to him since then. I just didn't feel like instigating the convos this week & I want to see how long it takes for him to pick up the slack. I also just didn't have anything worth sharing or asking. I know he's busy, but I need & want attention I don't feel like fishing for. I want to be a consistent presence, but not if you're not gonna try.

Any type of relationship with me with anyone involves some form of regular communication with me... consistent & balanced. I will always mirror you... remember that. I am never too busy to interact with you; you matter to me, I will always make my best effort... so if I slack off with no explanation, it's because of you & your silence. If you don't shoot a flare, I'm not navigating blind. If you do not want to be left alone in your darkness, please speak the fuck up.