L-O-V-E....

02.17.15... A Many Splendored Thing...

Always know this... I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. No ifs, ands, buts or maybes... that's just how I roll... because I am Love, Personified. But... so are You, even if you cannot see it. Love commands respect, understanding & generosity just from its existence alone. It doesn't need to push itself on anyone, it just Is. If none of these keys are present, it's not Love.

If I say it once, twice, a thousand times, I mean it. I never say anything I don't mean, and I always show what I cannot say. I hope for the same in return. Much easier for me to tell the truth than to lie. You deserve that much, as do I. Knowing that I deserve love too is paramount to me being able to love you. I cannot give you what I don't give myself, and that I must always remember to do, first. I teach you how to treat me.

You wonder how can I love you? Because you matter, especially to me. I truly see the Inner You you protect from the world, and that part deserves to feel Love at all times to stay whole. Also, because everyone deserves to be loved. I love you especially because you make a consummate effort to be real & present & honest. You show me who you are at all times. I can't help but love you for that gift.

Some clearly appreciate it and want more; but some clearly don't know how to and squander it. I've met my fair share of both. You cannot give and expect to get back... that's not how it works. If you give just to give, it will come back to you. It always does, just not always from the same place . . . and if you are too busy looking at where you sent it, waiting for it to come back, you miss the deluge about to surround you of what you actually need from everywhere else in your life.

Residual Purge...

01.24.15
Still tired... so I just don't care much right now, at least not like I used to. I'm still at half power... and the things that used to recharge me, just aren't working too well. The battery discharged, leaving crusty residue on the leads. They're just words right now, and hollow ones at that. I am trying however, and that's a good place to start.

I want someone to want to be around me... consistently. I know that isn't too much to ask of a man. Way too much to ask of children... and unfortunately, that's all that's been showing up. Broken ones. At least Julian had the decency to admit that, and for that, he has my respect. Back to Square 1, again.

I didn't need Scott to waste my time if he didnt want to or couldn't be there anymore. All he had to do was walk away. Pathetic SOB... after 12 years, there was a better way of shutting us down. The neutral truth would have been better....not the shitstorm he served me... bitch didn't want to explain his actions to me, eventhough they affected me.

This is "that" ugly week.... the one when I knew we were done & I'd never hear from him again because he killed "us"... by choosing to be childish & hurtful. I'm better, but it still stings, especially today, because this was the day I realized he didn't care anymore. :-(

I'm not angry anymore, nor numb... but in my quiet moments, like now, I still cry deeply. Just because I finally accept what happened, doesn't mean I don't still hurt, a little. I can't avoid how I feel this week. I don't treat my friends that way. I just wish it would go away, but I know what happens if I don't process it. :-(

I'm just so damn tired of it rearing its head. This is about the time I'd have a friend distracting me... but there's no one here.

(Late evening) I vented 3 ways... Richard, Mom, Chanda. Feeling better. :-)

01.26.15 (early morn)... I think he just needed to talk to someone, but I stand firm in my choice to not call Martin yet... I have too much on My Emotional Plate to take on more, just yet. The fact that he didn't approach me to find out why I didn't call, is proof to me I made the right decision for me. I finally put his number in my phone, so it's a start.

01.28.15... Once one opens the door, walk in; you catch me, you don't get to just stop... you can slow down, though... just not to a dead stop. It's not a self-sustaining entity, yet... you've done no work to make it so, otherwise I wouldn't be complaining, nes pa?

If you stop taking care of a car, it eventually stops working... relationships are the same. Once you've caught me, you've got to keep me interested.... Crumbs are not enough. You get lazy, I get gone. I'm willing to be patient with anybody, but if you consistently keep me in the dark, why should I stay? Make an effort, I appreciate it. Give me something worthwhile to hold on to. Give me reasons to be patient & understanding & you'll get everything & more.

Sorry he didn't get that memo...