Choices . . .

05/21/10::
I didn't bring my journal with me on this trip; didn't think I needed it . . . but sometimes it is good to get this out somewhere. Every once in a while, you come across something that reinforces your direction; this trip as a whole, has done that for me. I got to recharge with my best friend & meet some wonderful people along the way . . . plus the book I just finished reading didn't hurt matters either. I like it when that happens . . . that wonderful flow of synchronicity.

07/03/10::
I always knew my aspirations would entail more schooling . . . but I had been feeling stuck in my decision-making recently . . . safe choice over desired choice. I didn't think I would see grad school as a "safe choice", but compared to what I really want, it is. As open as I am, I don't bare my disappointments easily. I keep them locked away from everyone & deal with them a little at a time. My visit with T in AZ helped bring all of that frustration to the surface; I felt like I failed & have been afraid to try one more time. I like to have a plan in place when I do things . . . like to know something is eventually going to lead somewhere . . . and when my last jump into the unknown didn't drop me where I thought it would, I began hesitating with this next one. Inertia was setting in. Not good.

One of my best gifts is being a caretaker. I know this. I'm good at it. Before I finished X-Ray, I realized how much more I enjoyed the consistent one-on-one with the patients . . . my last rotation afforded me that opportunity --- but I was just too tired for one more year to learn Radiation Therapy . . . more emotionally tired than physically so. It was not a good time to keep going, even financially. Sometimes, in spite of that, I wish I had done so, but hindsight is 20/20 . . . the choices you make are the right ones, for that moment. Had I known what was coming to pass, I don't think I would have survived that extra year in school. It wouldn't have had my full attention, and it so needs that.

I am in such a different place right now . . . a good stable place. Now is the right time, I was just afraid to choose it head-on. There are no guarantees I'll prosper there either, but not moving into your next lesson, is a bigger failure in itself; if you do not choose something, a choice will be made for you in default . . . . and you will have no one to blame for that except yourself.
~K~

Here & Now . . .

Second full day alone . . . and waking up at 445 with the sun starting to come through the window, cements the fact that I am truly in the desert. It's odd yet fascinating at the same time. The last time I was here, we didn't stay still long enough for me to notice this; by the time my body gets used to this, I'll be back in Eastern Standard Time. Funny.

I never realized how active my time with my Mom & Dad is (even when we are each being quiet in separate parts of the apartment) until right this moment. I guess for me, I'm realizing how still & quiet my mind truly has become, and how much the "here & now" is real & clear & just plain nice for once. I have a wonderful reason to appreciate this milestone birthday . . . all of my pieces are back where they belong, finally. I feel whole in a way I never did. I catch myself smiling more . . . even when I'm weepy, it's usually because I'm just so happy I can't contain it all & don't want to. To be able to say that & mean it with every fiber of my being, just feels so good.

Today makes 5 days before my birthday . . . & I am enjoying every minute. I realize why the simple things bring me joy --- it's not the activity, but the company . . . even if the company is just me. I am happy in the moment, no matter what we do. I'm just glad to have the people I care about near me. Life with me is really just that simple. No pretense, no fanfare, just fun . . . even if we are sitting around just talking. I don't not care, I'm just open to everything . . . and that is a part of my nature that I am happy will never change. :o)

Love,
~K~

Here, There & Everywhere . . .

I miss him . . . but cannot force his progress anymore than he could try to force mine.
We will get there at the appropriate time and place. ;o)

I know he's "here", in this time . . .
I know he "exists" . . . because I do.
Hell, I've waited this long. ;o)

All I can do, is continue to be me,
in all my glory . . . today and every day.

Making the Fairy Tale Real . . . .

Where is my Prince Charming? Where oh where is my Alpha Male? My Mufasa? My Tall, Dark & Handsome spiritually enlightened partner of my dreams? I admit it --- I want my movie moment . . . I want the fairy tale ending . . . I'm a strong woman, but a romantic little girl at heart. At the speed with which most of us travel through our relationships, the childhood fairy tales some of us grew up with start feeling like they will never come true . . . but somewhere deep in my heart, I know for certain that they can, and that keeps the dream alive. We should always hold fast to our dreams . . . because at the heart of them are all of our potential realities. If you can see it, it already "is" . . . it's just not here yet. Before it can become what you want though, groundwork must be done. That is your special part in this process. A plant can't grow any faster than it's going to, and the same can be said about the relationships we say we want. Our love lives should all start with a healthy seed --- and that seed should be us.

I think one of my favorite renditions of the Cinderella story is Drew Barrymore in "Ever After". The re-telling of Snow White in "Tenth Kingdom" also works for me. Even Belle in "Beauty & the Beast". These characters are not over-the-top sappy, but they are trying to find where their happiness lies. Near the end of each story, after all of their trials, they find it lies within; it has always been there, waiting for them to find it. When that happens for them, everything else effortlessly seems to fall into place. That is the true "Happily Ever After". That part is true for all of us. We tend to forget those little moments of synchronicity, sweet moments that fall into place when we weren't looking, when the rest of life overwhelms us. Those little jewels felt good when we were feeling great about ourselves, and we forget that we can have that treasure all of the time. That's the secret that we need to keep renewing, no matter who we are with. Never stop growing into the best you can be.

There is a phrase I heard a long time ago, and I think I finally get what it means . . . . "You are responsible for your own romance." I am responsible for my own happiness, as are you, responsible for your own. I am responsible for sharing the Light of who I am with everyone, especially with myself. You have to always be the One you want, so that the one you want to share with wants you too. As confusing as that may sound, it is actually quite simple. The better you become at being the best that you can be, the brighter you are and the better the world sees you. You become more aware of what truly fits you, and what fits you, finds you --- not by either of you searching, but by noticing that you fit them also, in more ways than they ever knew possible.

~K~