Not Bitter, Just Much, Much Better....

Someone new is coming into my life in a few months & I need to know I'm clear so this person gets all my good intentions. So this is truly my final detox, making sure I removed all my flotsam & jetsam.

My youngest niece deserves that much from me. :-)

This release is for every person & that ever came in & left this way, but especially for the last one to leave such an indelible mark. 

The scars are finally closed now.... and this process has buffered them smooth. 

I didn't need you in my life that bad...

Filling a space just to turn around and empty it, tearing yourself out & away from me, the way you did. It wasn't necessary, and if you really knew me, you would've known that. I didn't deserve that. Such a sorry child.

How could I ever have been your dear friend or trusted advisor, when you didn't trust me... because a real friend would've told me how he felt, when he felt it and you made me have to ask, all the time. I wasn't being impatient, you just never opened your mouth when you should have. That was my reality with you.

I don't know what you were going through at this last crossroad, because you wouldn't tell me. I never asked you anything about you because I was nosy, I asked because I cared about you, you damned fool. Simple me, I thought that was evident enough, in everything I did or said.

I thought you were different than the others; you were.... when you were good, you were the best, when you were bad, you were the worst of the lot.

What did I do to make you want me gone, so quickly & intensely, because I still don't know... I just have to let go of ever knowing, because you never said, in your rant, on your way out. You gave me sarcastic, hurtful attitude and then walked away. I wasn't your mother or any of your exes. I wasn't some hookup off of Match. I was your friend and I deserved better than that for tolerating your emotional crap. Grow up.

I never said anything to you with hurtful intent. No ulterior motives. I was always straight with you, I thought you knew that. Anything I ever told you was for only two reasons --- as your friend, you deserved to know the truth about who you were dealing with & well, you never got around to asking and I was fine telling you. You liked the game of Truth or Consequences, but this was never a game for me, relating with you. 

Disappearing quietly would've been better; different kind of baggage left behind that I'm already used to. What you left, hrmph. Such a drama queen.

All you ever had to do, was tell me what you needed, but you didn't. You were in such a hurry, you introduced me to Mr. Asshole, hoping he'd speed stuff along. You hurt me on purpose to make me go away so you wouldn't have to explain your self... the biggest problem with that, I would've never judged you... that's how good a friend I am.

What a lesson in breaking up. I hope it hurt your heart to do, as much as it hurt mine to get stabbed the way you did it, and I hope you have some regret, because at least I can live with the fact that I loved a flawed human, and not the hellspawn that you showed me on your way out. I may not have seen it coming, but at least it wasn't in the back.

All to have to say is, if you ever come to your senses about what you did to me, do me a favor & stay gone... because unlike her, I dont want someone back in my life who can unceremoniously cut me & cut me out that quick, for no good reason. I have a long memory. Stay in your hole.

You were so right all along.... you did not deserve me. I did love you, with every part of me, now I don't care if I ever see you again, with every fiber of my being. You don't exist to me now, anymore... You stopped existing for me the moment you let me go. I will always remember you & talk about you if a reason to discuss you comes up, but never miss you. The missing you left with the love you burned out of me when you irreparably hurt me.

I gave you clear options throughout the whole time we interacted, you took advantage of none of them. You may have thought things, felt things, but unfortunately for us, you never said them out loud until the end.... like I was supposed to know you had a problem with my way, the entire time. Damn idiot.

I saw your vulnerable side a long time ago, in person... and I never took advantage of it. Sorry you couldn't be a real friend & not do the same to me. I never expected any more than you were willing to give, regardless of how I felt. I always asked you. You always had a choice.

I'm not angry anymore, or numb either, but 18 months later, it still stings some .... because one of the few people I could trust to be straight with me, wasn't, and I don't know why.

I don't write any of this in the hopes you'll see it, that ship has sailed. I write this for me, because writing always makes me feel better. It still does, Realistic Optimist that I am. :-) 

Good luck to you, where ever you are. I truly mean that.

Emotional DIY, the weekly edition...

Fr, 07.03.14....I'm realizing, the closer I get to my 18 month anniversary of a recent relationship ending, I'm starting to not care if I hear from anyone, anymore. I don't mean it in a vitriolic way, just refuse to take their absence personal, because it's not. I've done nothing wrong, they're just not as present as I'd like them to be & I did nothing wrong, it just is what it is ... I finally think that one is sinking in deeply, taking root in my current attitude. Thank you, Detachment, for finally showing up. Warrior of the World, here I come. ;-)

However, understand, that the longer it takes to hear from you after I've reached for you on numerous occasions, the less I start giving a shit anymore about what's going on with you. You don't want to or have no time to share with me like you used to, with no explanation, this is your issue; so if I no longer ask, I'm tired of your silence. I tried, you haven't & I'm tired of reaching. There's only so much I can give. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder with me... it makes me want to cut you out & walk away. I won't do so, but my efforts will wane, of that, I'm certain.

Sa, 07.05.14... I'm also realizing, I've always had something to say, just didn't always have someone to say it to. :-/ Enter Chan & Trish, who always had the decency to ASK me. You'd be amazed how many people don't ask, assuming I'm ok. Thank god for journals... because friends & family can't always be available when truly needed. Not a snark, just a fact.

Su, 07.06.14...There are some days I wonder if the past year really played out the way it did, because I'm in such a different place, emotionally, with everyone, but I know, it did. S is gone like he was never there, D is here like he never left... and my journal entries are the only proof I was hurt as badly as I was, and have also become as sexually awake as I have become.... and what I tried to explore fully with one is getting the royal treatment from the other, in every area.

I knew we could be good friends, but I never anticipated lovers, with either, really. Openings surfaced, opinions expressed, stuff happened, whether physical, mental, emotional as well as verbal. All I have to say for either is, if you didn't want any of it, you could've always said No Thank You. Instead you let things happen & then changed gears without a word, like you were the only one involved in whatever "this" was.... and that commentary is meant for only one of the culprits. :-/

With either, I didn't pursue first; I am guilty of saying something that clearly intrigued them, but the next step was theirs to make & they did. I just followed, willingly & happily. :-\ From someone not getting what I needed for ages, I was not in a place to reject what either was giving to or getting from me. I liked what I was getting.... when they were giving it, consistently.

Mo, 07.07.14.... He's in C right now, for a week. Told me the morning he was leaving & advised me how to stay connected. I appreciated that. At least on some level, he wants me around & lets me know that whenever he checks in. :-)

We, 07.09.14..... What used to move me to react doesn't, good or bad, and what does, does so in the moment now, and leaves as quickly as it comes.... feelings don't linger. I've felt wisps of detachment before, but never like this. I'm not numb, I've had proof of that. I'm just non reactive & for a sensitive person, that feels odd, but welcomed, because reacting constantly & restraining it sometimes wears me out. Now, it just happens in the moment with no restraint... feels much better & where I was heading in my natural emotional growth. The difference is, I don't think about anyone's reactions anymore, if you're here with me, learn to deal with it, or go.

It saddens me that some people have become so self absorbed with their traumas that they either forget to deal with you or cannot figure out how to reach to you, who used to be a source of balance & strength...trying to do it all yourself doesn't mean cutting everyone else out, that just makes you an unnecessary martyr.

Did it ever occur to you, that I need you too? That your presence helps me through my trauma? That making you laugh makes me feel better about where I'm at & you pulling back because you think you are burdening me with your problems, takes away how you help me? We are put here to be of service to each other & to deny each other that, wastes our time here. Until I start complaining, you are not stressing me out.... in fact, you stress me out more by going radio silent with no heads up, forcing me to worry.