Deflection, Diffusion & Dispersion...

11.05, 07.14....Simmer, Not Scorch

I have always been a very passionate person... but like all of my favorite animals, both real and fantastical, the methodical ones that people underestimate until it's way too late & at times fatal, I make a point of showing it, positively or negatively, very carefully, cautiously, patiently. I don't like to overwhelm anyone. Luckily for me & everyone close, I make a habit of filtering my thoughts & feelings before I say or do some things... I have a volcanic temper, a sharp intellect & tongue, and I know how to use them quite effectively; I am also quite strong & physically faster than I look. I always try to use my powers for good, but if I ever do say something negatively unfiltered, it took a crapload to push me there, and at that point, your feelings be damned, because that's what was done to me to finally propel me there. 

I'm just as much an instant reactor to things like most people, but I always try to dial it back & look at the bigger picture before I say or do something I cannot take back. That's my primary reason for being quiet. I'm not a negative emotional bomber, and I'm not about to start now. I saw something this week that initially irritated me... but I didn't react to it this time like I normally would... and that shocked & impressed me. Whatever insecurities deep within, have finally been tempered and that will always make me smile. Either that, or I'm just too damn tired & fed up to care anymore. Nah... I'll go with the first one. ;-)

For example, the bigger picture observation 2 days ago was, considering who I'm dealing with & the chaos their life is currently in, I'm very lucky to get what I do get from them... which has been a level of clarity I sometimes don't ask for but graciously accept... intimacy we've never had before now... connection in spite of emotional trauma & external drama for us both in our lives, happily not caused by each other. 

Reminding myself subconsciously that I know who I'm dealing with, and that they are doing the very best they can with me under the circumstances, neutralized the irritation instantly. Asking the right questions did too, and luckily for me, that habit hasn't stopped just because the last intimate couldn't handle it. 

It was truly the first time for me, not taking something personal, kicked in without a second thought, taking me from bothered to neutral in less that a minute. For me, that's pretty damn great, because that 4th Agreement has been my nemesis for far too long.  :-)

Talk to Me...

10.24, 25.14... My Sharing Need...

I don't always need a response, but it is always nice to get one... especially those times where I've shared something so tender & fragile & potentially embarrassing that the silence of no response might shatter me. That's when the silence is most deafening & threatening... feels like rejection on my end. Even the tiniest response ("Oh") is better than nothing at all. Guys are not usually good at seeing/picking up on that, esp through email or text, unless you say so, so I make a point of asking when I clearly need it.

Never used to need it so much, but after you've been hurt, doubts instantly tend to show up in those quiet spaces, provoking annoying, residual crap from the past....

Feelings....

10.20, 25.14...I may despise the process but I've always known "why" I believe they leave when they finally do... and it's not about me, directly... I know it really isn't personal when they leave badly... but it sure as hell fucking feels like it.

All I've been & continue to be is the Me they fell for; they have nothing left to give (after they got more than they bargained for), got what they wanted (lazy giver, selfish taker), can't keep up (bit off more that they could chew) or they don't feel worthy ("I don't deserve you").... I know in my heart, that is the truth they see & feel... because I know I'm not projecting that... I self-assess so damn much, I just know... which is why it stings when it's "done" the way they end it, carelessly, cluelessly, painfully, selfishly. We always know when it doesn't feel right, and sometimes the clues are as plain as day... we just don't want to deal with the outcome to be, sometimes.

I'm the kind of person, that being with and around me regularly, you will have to face yourself... because on some level you will self-check (compare) against my actions & become aware that you are either giving close to or giving very dismally as compared to me... haven't yet experienced a man not related to me give more than me, to me. It's not a competition... I don't make you "do" it, it just happens... and eventually emotionally lazy, angry, unconsciously resentful, scared and/or confused people, always leave... since the ones happy with our direction, willing to create a foundation we can grow from, stay, linger or hopefully, come back when they can. You all know who you are. ;-)

Wed,10.22.14...Body Memory....

My conversation with Chanda yesterday was bittersweet... I was enjoying it, but key words were sparking old feelings that still ring painfully true & always will. I love him & I miss him & I wish it hadn't ended the way it did. I realize I went into hard mourning yesterday for the end of us. There was a sharp shift between December & January, and for me, January 17th will always be our death date... he ended us that day when he stopped speaking... only the 2nd friendship to end hurtfully & unnecessarily. My unconditional love & expression of it was from a good & honest place; I have no regrets of any of that... he just pushed me away. Hate or love.... wanted, needed me gone. Still hurts like hell, but Oh well... it is what it is, done. It's just been a long time since the last time I was here, 30 years ago.

10.23.14...just successfully meditated for the first time in a year & a few months.... felt good, esp after a pressure point massage/self-reiki session. Just trying to appreciate a quiet pocket of neutral space...
Was a fun test of focus... the music I'm listening to is not usually relaxing... only some of it is, so it was amusing to stay focused on it and successfully block everything else going on around me, out here on my patio.

Now I'm just chair dancing.

And smiling. ;-)

Right now, just enjoying the music, feeling like a flexible metronome.

Jacob's Ladder....

09.29.14....Tables Turned....Flip the Script

I realized something, just now... if the people I care most about and think are so wonderful are having such a hard time getting someone they're into to finally jump to the next step... I should not be surprised or upset about my current lack. There is no one out there currently worth my time & effort. I hate the state of affairs (no pun intended), but it is what it is. Hrmph....

The weak assed males of today & the desperate women that encourage their behavior are at fault for that. The crazy assed females & the sorry pathetic men who encourage their behavior are also at fault. So because everyone else puts up with your shit, I should just get on board? No fucking thank you... I'll pass. 

When did values or/and standards die out? When did being upfront & honest become a bad thing to have stamped on you? When did people fucking stop effectively communicating, if they ever really did?

Grow the fuck up, people... deal with your baggage. I don't want to & shouldn't have to sort through it... I am renewably happy for a damn fucking good reason...I have and continue to sort through & clean my own house regularly, so I earned the right to be content & confident.... I work at it, always.

Even on my worst possible days, I never stopped growing & changing. I never gave up on me... I know I'm worth fighting for.

Silent Contemplation...

09.25.14....It has been a full month for me today since I completed the whole ritual... and ways I can tell I'm in a better place is because the things that brought me peace before the relationship ending, are bringing me peace once again. :-) Good.

I can fiercely accept the lessons he left with goodness in my heart for the friend he was to me, while he was still present. Although not necessary for me, his way of ending things are what they were... pathetic. Oh well. His damned loss.

I can accept the fact that he's gone & I do not want him back. I am becoming more of someone he will never ever understand, because he chooses not to. During our interactions, SE regularly tried to upend things about me just for the chaotic fun of it, while DR and I graciously agree to disagree.

Something made the 1st stop caring enough to act right... whereas the 2nd never did & missed me enough to walk back into my life. :-)

10.01.14... I never asked any more of SE than (1) he was willing to give, (2) I thought he could, (3) any of my other friends. Terms of availability were negotiable... we were supposed to be friends. I never forced him to do anything for me; I never begged or demanded either.... that ending was more than just mean or rude, it was dishonorable.

10.03.14...I think D & I last spoke Tuesday... I haven't said anything to him since then. I just didn't feel like instigating the convos this week & I want to see how long it takes for him to pick up the slack. I also just didn't have anything worth sharing or asking. I know he's busy, but I need & want attention I don't feel like fishing for. I want to be a consistent presence, but not if you're not gonna try.

Any type of relationship with me with anyone involves some form of regular communication with me... consistent & balanced. I will always mirror you... remember that. I am never too busy to interact with you; you matter to me, I will always make my best effort... so if I slack off with no explanation, it's because of you & your silence. If you don't shoot a flare, I'm not navigating blind. If you do not want to be left alone in your darkness, please speak the fuck up.

Lies vs Secrets....

Why do we lie? For some of us, it's generational... it's been told for so long, it becomes our truth. For others, they just refuse to tell the truth, because it means they will have to deal with the consequences. When you neglect to tell someone something they need or deserve to know to make an informed decision or choice, that's a lie of omission... and sometimes that's the worst lie of all, because if what you choose not to tell me is because you don't want to look bad over how not telling me will be hurtful in the long run, I never mattered to you. I'd rather lose face than lose a loved one. Unfortunately, if I lose a loved one because I told the truth, then I guess our time is done & I must move on.

Why do we keep secrets? Because no one has to know everything about you until you feel ready & safe to share any of it. Because you are entitled to keep certain things to yourself. Because we live in a hypocritical & judgmental world that tends to use our issues & quirks against us. And unfortunately, sometimes we feel forced to.


Being 100% truthful doesn't make me naïve... it just means I don't have the energy to waste that comes with lying & keeping secrets to cover the lie. You ask a question, you get a truthful answer. My truth. Up to you if you believe me or not, I have nothing to prove to you or anybody. Doesn't have to match your truth to be right.... different perspectives on the same theme.... and because of that, there will always be these multiples.... your truth, my truth & THE truth.

Secrets are a different matter. What is your business should stay your business, unless you so choose to share with someone... and that's your prerogative. Everyone has secrets.... & everyone should keep secrets. The whole world doesn't need to know everything about you.... it's none of their business until you choose to share... at least, that's how it should be. No one should ever feel forced to reveal a secret about themselves until they are ready, and that could be never. You are supposed to do things at your pace; not rushed or forced, ever. I will not be blackmailed or browbeated into revealing something I'm not ready to reveal.


I never push, because I don't want to be pushed. I ask a question, you either answer me or you don't. Treat my questions like the Spanish Inquisition or an IA debriefing... you really don't know me. I'm just very curious, especially if you don't make a habit of just sharing. If you cannot figure how to reciprocate that effectively, leave me alone, because you eventually make me feel like you don't wish to be bothered, eventhough you opened this door. Simple reflection... I treat you how I wish to be treated.... and I wish to be treated damn well.

Secrets & lies are dependent on what they do to you & others... If they harm your spirit irreparably... If they make others wary of you... If you even care at all... if they turn you into a hypocrite, maybe, you need to rethink them. Always your choice and your consequences to deal with.

When is keeping a secret wrong and telling a lie right?  The exceptions for me would be a life or death situation, things that will not change for the better & things that you know for sure will cause more harm than good to you or the other.

I'm not perfect & never claimed to be, but I try to be as low key in this area as humanly possible; I try my best to stay clear of damaging lies & secrets. We live in a judgemental & critical time... that has no qualms of reminding you when you fucked up. Too much CYA to contend with these days, so the less I give others to pick at, the better.

The only time I've ever felt great about keeping a secret or telling a lie is if I'm planning or have part in a good surprise. If the person smiles after I've told them the truth, then it was worth doing.

08.26,14.... Love's Face...

Once you have started seeing the Beauty of Life, ugliness starts disappearing.
If you start looking at life with Joy, sadness starts disappearing.
You cannot have heaven and hell together, you can only have one.
It is your choice.
~Osho~

However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.
~Stanley Kubrick~

Dear Life,
Thank you for another Day.
Thank you for another Chance
to Love again, to Smile again,
And to say, "Thank You", again.
Love, Me

Happy, Calm, Hungry....

I am not a passive dragon, so do not tease me. I need & want attention... I've needed & wanted it for so long, that when it does show up, I savor it. I appreciate it. I reflect it back, in all its glory. So when it stops abruptly, I'm entitled to get sad... because I don't know how long I'll have to wait for the next dose. Sometimes it's years. Sometimes it's decades. Sometimes, it feels like never again.

It's not that I want & need everyday contact... it's that that's what you started with & changed direction with no warning... and even if you did, I don't downshift that fast. I was still travelling at the speed you started us at, lightning. Just because you know for certain that I'll always be there doesn't mean I don't need reinforcements from time to time. My scales do tarnish without consistent attention.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on this deserted island, not of my choosing.... like I was banished there for giving a damn... but I make the best of it, always finding that silver lining. :-) I have always been this way, and that's what keeps me going.

Left, Right, Center...

Double Air, Water...

Double Earth, Fire...

On a Western chart, I'm a Gm.Sn/Aq.Mn/Cn.Asc.... and Eastern, Tr.Sn/Cp.Mn/L.Asc...  Tornado, Hurricane & Flood... Earthquake, Landslide & Forestfire...   

Regardless of the element, things with me need to flow, or go. I will never move before I'm ready to, but when I do, you better clear a path, unless you wish to be run over. Even when I'm still, potential energy is stirring within, waiting to flow somewhere. The person who takes the time to really know me, understands that I'm a Force of Nature.

I don't respond to subtlety well when it comes to not saying what needs to be said because some one just doesn't want to deal with it, whatever it is. I don't respond well to being / feeling ignored either. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away, and talking won't always fix it, but at least you know what direction it should or will take, once it has been revealed.

I am Quan Yin & Pele, Athena & Aurora...

Change is always constant & resistance is eventually futile. For those two reasons alone, I hate inertia. I need things to flow, one way or the other, to me or away from me, so I can function.

My Eye Candy....

I hear a familiar sound, so I lift my head from whatever I'm doing & see a simple image that makes me smile everytime I see it. I don't know yet what it is about either that makes me watch, but I'm always smiling after I've looked at my treat to the senses.

Observing J reminds me I've still got a pulse & I'm not dead inside... I haven't given up the race back to me. O does too. Knowing nothing about either doesn't affect my viewing pleasure; gay or straight, married or single, watching them just be, amuses me. Having them respond to my subtle attention when I give it, boosts my ego.... and that is never a bad thing for me. Even better is when they look for & see me & interact... feels good when the curiosity is reciprocal.

I know what I'd do, what I'm capable of if there was a proper opportunity; what has changed drastically for me is "that" voice.... I hear nothing of the Critic, and that, above all else, is what makes me smile. :-) 

They should want to talk to me... I'm pretty damn awesome. ;-)

07.31.14.... Leftovers

Questions I can't ask,
Answers I will never get....

I was working on the computers & I found some files I thought I disposed of when you disrupted us.... seeing them, I was surprised I felt nothing... I was looking at someone I don't know anymore, but hope is ok. I don't have to know, & don't want to know, now or ever. You created that. Didn't have to be that way, but hey, it's done.

When I said to you long ago I wouldn't ever leave, I meant that no matter what, I wasn't a fair-weather friend. If you didn't understand that, you could have asked me... you never clarified a damn thing. I know what you were used to, and it wasn't the likes of me.

You came at me with such an intensity, that I was happy to have you there. You opened me up in ways no one else had & I know what I did to you & for you. So please explain to me why it seems ok to you to just drop out without saying anything reasonable to me? Why don't I deserve a clear, decent, honorable response to my fair inquiry? Why treat me like I don't deserve any decency for my involvement with you & pretty much shutting the door in my face?

For all the good you did with & for me, you tainted it by being an unnecessary asshole on the way out. Where do you get off being bitchy to me, the one person not demanding anything from you, but the truth & some respect? I waited a week or two after that message.... but in my heart, I knew you'd bailed, that's why it broke. I'm sorry you didn't want to deal... because it was fixable. As your friend, it was always fixable.... until you stayed gone. So I vented, whether you heard me or not, because I needed to. I removed reminders & deleted emails. And I cried. Every damn day for a few months, in anger, because you were mean. Then a few months in sadness, because it hurt. Then, I went silent -- half numb, half detached.

I realize that although I'm much better now, you can't put a specific timetable on healing... and I've made peace with the fact this week that I keep writing about it because it still hurts. Deep. Friend breaks are worse than romance breaks, in my opinion. You broke me. You cracked my heart into pieces & on my end, it was unnecessary. I get that you were dealing with a lot, but you didn't have to throw it at me.... and if you knew me as well as you thought you did, I can't let it drop until it's resolved & the pain is gone. My mind has made peace with it, but my heart is still purging what little bit of pain is left. I guess I'm not as over it as I thought if I'm writing this now.

Who the FUCK are you to be such a damn jackass? Why would you want to hurt me, on purpose? Wtf was wrong that you couldn't just TELL me? You didn't have to do that for me to leave, I was already pulling back, you were just too damned blind to see it. I never did anything to you that deserved what you said to me, or the final silence that came after. I was your loyal friend & I didn't deserve to be the target of whatever you were frustrated by at the time. You threw a tantrum & walked away, creating more questions as to who the hell I was really dealing with. Why force me to potentially hate you? This could have been an amicable dissolution. You made this ending more than it had to be & you deserve whatever drama you've stuck yourself in right now, since that's what you seem to perversely like & are used to. Not an attack, but observation of your own, from your own mouth. Remember, I forget nothing... until I need to. I need to forget what was done, so I can move on.

My "prolific-ness" at trying to reach you the last time I was hurt, before this fucked up ending was because you mattered to me, fool... & I didn't want it to end over a misunderstanding that could be cleared in a heartbeat. This was our only means of communication & I didn't know if you were sick, busy or just avoiding. If I seemed irrational that time, it's because I was feeling vulnerable & exposed.... I'd never expressed myself to you or anyone else in that fashion without getting attacked & your lack of response for as long as you were unexpectedly absent, made it worse. I'm not perfect & never claimed to be. You were important enough to me to track down, before I walked away for good, because your silence was provoking that. I deserved better. You said it yourself when you got your Pearl Harbor sneak attack from her.... anything can be discussed if the parties at hand just try. You didn't try this last time... and you did the same to me that was done to you.

I'm at a loss why someone who could talk to me, didn't.... who knew me but sure as fuck acted like he didn't.... didn't trust me enough to stand by my word & not judge him.... So I keep writing until it fades. This is how I process things I don't understand. I'll get over it when I do. Blurring the lines never stopped me from being your friend... I'm sorry to know it did for you, because that's my only explanation for your childishness with me. Our lines were inextricably blurred since the day we met. I always knew what you were to me, at all times. I never lied to you. I never disrespected you. I just loved you, however you'd let me. I did my best & regret nothing but the way you ended this.

Not Bitter, Just Much, Much Better....

Someone new is coming into my life in a few months & I need to know I'm clear so this person gets all my good intentions. So this is truly my final detox, making sure I removed all my flotsam & jetsam.

My youngest niece deserves that much from me. :-)

This release is for every person & that ever came in & left this way, but especially for the last one to leave such an indelible mark. 

The scars are finally closed now.... and this process has buffered them smooth. 

I didn't need you in my life that bad...

Filling a space just to turn around and empty it, tearing yourself out & away from me, the way you did. It wasn't necessary, and if you really knew me, you would've known that. I didn't deserve that. Such a sorry child.

How could I ever have been your dear friend or trusted advisor, when you didn't trust me... because a real friend would've told me how he felt, when he felt it and you made me have to ask, all the time. I wasn't being impatient, you just never opened your mouth when you should have. That was my reality with you.

I don't know what you were going through at this last crossroad, because you wouldn't tell me. I never asked you anything about you because I was nosy, I asked because I cared about you, you damned fool. Simple me, I thought that was evident enough, in everything I did or said.

I thought you were different than the others; you were.... when you were good, you were the best, when you were bad, you were the worst of the lot.

What did I do to make you want me gone, so quickly & intensely, because I still don't know... I just have to let go of ever knowing, because you never said, in your rant, on your way out. You gave me sarcastic, hurtful attitude and then walked away. I wasn't your mother or any of your exes. I wasn't some hookup off of Match. I was your friend and I deserved better than that for tolerating your emotional crap. Grow up.

I never said anything to you with hurtful intent. No ulterior motives. I was always straight with you, I thought you knew that. Anything I ever told you was for only two reasons --- as your friend, you deserved to know the truth about who you were dealing with & well, you never got around to asking and I was fine telling you. You liked the game of Truth or Consequences, but this was never a game for me, relating with you. 

Disappearing quietly would've been better; different kind of baggage left behind that I'm already used to. What you left, hrmph. Such a drama queen.

All you ever had to do, was tell me what you needed, but you didn't. You were in such a hurry, you introduced me to Mr. Asshole, hoping he'd speed stuff along. You hurt me on purpose to make me go away so you wouldn't have to explain your self... the biggest problem with that, I would've never judged you... that's how good a friend I am.

What a lesson in breaking up. I hope it hurt your heart to do, as much as it hurt mine to get stabbed the way you did it, and I hope you have some regret, because at least I can live with the fact that I loved a flawed human, and not the hellspawn that you showed me on your way out. I may not have seen it coming, but at least it wasn't in the back.

All to have to say is, if you ever come to your senses about what you did to me, do me a favor & stay gone... because unlike her, I dont want someone back in my life who can unceremoniously cut me & cut me out that quick, for no good reason. I have a long memory. Stay in your hole.

You were so right all along.... you did not deserve me. I did love you, with every part of me, now I don't care if I ever see you again, with every fiber of my being. You don't exist to me now, anymore... You stopped existing for me the moment you let me go. I will always remember you & talk about you if a reason to discuss you comes up, but never miss you. The missing you left with the love you burned out of me when you irreparably hurt me.

I gave you clear options throughout the whole time we interacted, you took advantage of none of them. You may have thought things, felt things, but unfortunately for us, you never said them out loud until the end.... like I was supposed to know you had a problem with my way, the entire time. Damn idiot.

I saw your vulnerable side a long time ago, in person... and I never took advantage of it. Sorry you couldn't be a real friend & not do the same to me. I never expected any more than you were willing to give, regardless of how I felt. I always asked you. You always had a choice.

I'm not angry anymore, or numb either, but 18 months later, it still stings some .... because one of the few people I could trust to be straight with me, wasn't, and I don't know why.

I don't write any of this in the hopes you'll see it, that ship has sailed. I write this for me, because writing always makes me feel better. It still does, Realistic Optimist that I am. :-) 

Good luck to you, where ever you are. I truly mean that.

Emotional DIY, the weekly edition...

Fr, 07.03.14....I'm realizing, the closer I get to my 18 month anniversary of a recent relationship ending, I'm starting to not care if I hear from anyone, anymore. I don't mean it in a vitriolic way, just refuse to take their absence personal, because it's not. I've done nothing wrong, they're just not as present as I'd like them to be & I did nothing wrong, it just is what it is ... I finally think that one is sinking in deeply, taking root in my current attitude. Thank you, Detachment, for finally showing up. Warrior of the World, here I come. ;-)

However, understand, that the longer it takes to hear from you after I've reached for you on numerous occasions, the less I start giving a shit anymore about what's going on with you. You don't want to or have no time to share with me like you used to, with no explanation, this is your issue; so if I no longer ask, I'm tired of your silence. I tried, you haven't & I'm tired of reaching. There's only so much I can give. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder with me... it makes me want to cut you out & walk away. I won't do so, but my efforts will wane, of that, I'm certain.

Sa, 07.05.14... I'm also realizing, I've always had something to say, just didn't always have someone to say it to. :-/ Enter Chan & Trish, who always had the decency to ASK me. You'd be amazed how many people don't ask, assuming I'm ok. Thank god for journals... because friends & family can't always be available when truly needed. Not a snark, just a fact.

Su, 07.06.14...There are some days I wonder if the past year really played out the way it did, because I'm in such a different place, emotionally, with everyone, but I know, it did. S is gone like he was never there, D is here like he never left... and my journal entries are the only proof I was hurt as badly as I was, and have also become as sexually awake as I have become.... and what I tried to explore fully with one is getting the royal treatment from the other, in every area.

I knew we could be good friends, but I never anticipated lovers, with either, really. Openings surfaced, opinions expressed, stuff happened, whether physical, mental, emotional as well as verbal. All I have to say for either is, if you didn't want any of it, you could've always said No Thank You. Instead you let things happen & then changed gears without a word, like you were the only one involved in whatever "this" was.... and that commentary is meant for only one of the culprits. :-/

With either, I didn't pursue first; I am guilty of saying something that clearly intrigued them, but the next step was theirs to make & they did. I just followed, willingly & happily. :-\ From someone not getting what I needed for ages, I was not in a place to reject what either was giving to or getting from me. I liked what I was getting.... when they were giving it, consistently.

Mo, 07.07.14.... He's in C right now, for a week. Told me the morning he was leaving & advised me how to stay connected. I appreciated that. At least on some level, he wants me around & lets me know that whenever he checks in. :-)

We, 07.09.14..... What used to move me to react doesn't, good or bad, and what does, does so in the moment now, and leaves as quickly as it comes.... feelings don't linger. I've felt wisps of detachment before, but never like this. I'm not numb, I've had proof of that. I'm just non reactive & for a sensitive person, that feels odd, but welcomed, because reacting constantly & restraining it sometimes wears me out. Now, it just happens in the moment with no restraint... feels much better & where I was heading in my natural emotional growth. The difference is, I don't think about anyone's reactions anymore, if you're here with me, learn to deal with it, or go.

It saddens me that some people have become so self absorbed with their traumas that they either forget to deal with you or cannot figure out how to reach to you, who used to be a source of balance & strength...trying to do it all yourself doesn't mean cutting everyone else out, that just makes you an unnecessary martyr.

Did it ever occur to you, that I need you too? That your presence helps me through my trauma? That making you laugh makes me feel better about where I'm at & you pulling back because you think you are burdening me with your problems, takes away how you help me? We are put here to be of service to each other & to deny each other that, wastes our time here. Until I start complaining, you are not stressing me out.... in fact, you stress me out more by going radio silent with no heads up, forcing me to worry.

Geodesic Me...

05.23-25.14..... Final Revelations

S.A. came close. Pretty, pretty damn close.... the timing for us was just too off & out of sight out of mind was a factor, but everyone else of possibility has been hit & miss. They all walked away, backed up or disappeared, not me. Some walked up to the door, but wouldn't come closer... nothing I can do about that. Closer to the target, but still a miss if you don't keep me, and no one ever has, long enough to know what they had, because if they did, they wouldn't let me go, friend or otherwise. 

I make it so simple & they fuck it up anyway. Know what you have when you have me. I'm the best ally you could ever have... take me for granted, ignore me & I am gone, just like that. You force me to self-protect & self-correct... away from you.

T.S. was second.... if I count him before the omissions & termination, because our "being more than" was real enough for me. C.C., a third that will always be a tba, because the convo has actually been had. 

Mutuality. But they still were all "no cigar".

Mom asks me what I want for my birthday. I want what I've wanted for every birthday ... someone to love me, completely. I want him to know he's good enough. I want him to want to share who he is with me. I would like to have at least one LTR in my lifetime... and even if someday it has to end, give me a head's up. 

Leaving without a word is the Coward's Way Out... and I've seen it too many times to not want to put a hurting on the next one. At some point in time, you cared about us... the LEAST you can do is end it right.

I'm at a level of detachment I've never felt before... tough getting used to it because it feels like I don't care at all. It's not true, but it's what it looks like. Stoic. On alert. Blank. I am exhausted, is what it boils down to... and today is my last day to worry about any of it ever again. After 33 years of giving a damn, I just don't anymore. That's my gift to myself this 44th birthday.

Some men wonder why they have to work so hard... it's because most of them don't work at all anymore, if ever. It's a privilege to know me.... but you have to be smart enough to know that. I get to be that confident... I earned the right to be so, every damned day. 

I give what I get from the Source ... and it overflows so much, I can't keep it all for myself. ;-) 

I don't lose by giving, and I never take what I'm not willing to give back.

Feelings..... Drop it like it's hot ....

When someone starts treating me like crap, I start pulling away. Being selfish, cold, ungrateful, neglectful, unreachable, they don't deserve me sitting around waiting for them to come to their senses or pining over them over what will never be, especially when I've been clear about my intentions. If the shitstorm comes, I try to make sense over what happened & then I let the dream of us, go. I can't even miss what we could've been, because I don't know who they are now. It's wasted energy & they don't deserve the attention. They have moved on & aren't looking back, so why the fuck should I? They got enough when they had me around, and their actions spoke clear enough for me that they didn't need or want me around anymore. 

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

If I start getting upset with someone, it's usually because they start taking away what they were giving me freely.... attention & communication. I didn't ask for it --- you were plying it on in a way I thought you were capable of.... and then pulled it all away with no warning. I get upset because I took the time & chance to join you & you left. I was willing to go anywhere with you... and you shut me out. Your inner ugly is no different than mine... I just accept that mine is there & I'm not ashamed of  Her. I can already see all of you and I liked you ANYWAY, or I wouldn't even be bothering.... I don't have to waste my time on you. .. I choose to. The least you could do is participate. If all you plan to do is toe dip, please just leave me be. 

My offer of friendship is and was not a game.

My Way ....

Just because I don't demand things, doesn't mean I'm disinterested, it just means:

~I'm not a drama queen, I'm a dragon. Don't fuck around with my feelings, and I won't scorch you...

~I'm sensitive, not psychic. I expect you to open your mouth if there is a problem.

~I am simple as well as complex. I need a answer if I ask any question, for my peace of mind... that's it. No mind game. If you try to dodge me, you just give me a reason not to trust you & eventually drop you from my life... because apparently I'm not important enough for you to just be clear with me and maintaining your ego is clearly more important than maintaining us.

~Communication is important. If you can't figure out how, leave me alone. If you try, I'm always willing. You get major points for effort. No one is perfect.

~I'm childlike, not childish. There is a difference.

~~

I believe in both . . .

Words & actions when they match. :o)

If you know someone well enough, some things don't need to be said --- they are silently understood . . . but that doesn't mean that once in a while, you shouldn't say them anyway. We are human, and sometimes doubts, usually surrounding ourselves, creep in & stay for a while. The words of reinforcement, help shoo those doubts away.

Also, most of us are not mindreaders . . . and if you are not in front of someone enough that they can read your body language as well as actions towards them, sometimes the questions need to be asked --- not because you are not trusted, but because the other is feeling scared, troubled, and sometimes, defeated. Sometimes a loved one's words make the difference between giving up & moving forward.

--

04.15.14 --- Fractures, Breaks & Communication Meltdowns ...

04.15.14 --- Fractures, Breaks & Communication Meltdowns ...

We currently live in a world where the art of communication is
faltering, fading . . . and the easy & practically limitless
technological effort to keep in contact, neglected, in spite of
itself. I've taken up blogging lately, because no one talks anymore
... and I am in need of an outlet.

I consider myself an introverted extrovert, as well as an optimistic
realist ... quiet & calm on the outside, ball of energy waiting to be
released on the inside; happy & hopeful yet very aware of her
surroundings & non-judgemental of people's foibles.

I will talk to you, at any time, about any subject... but you have to
want to share or ask. If I feel like making the first move yet feel
resistance, I will leave you be. I'm curious, but I'm not stubborn;
some people give mixed messages, some are drama queens, some clueless
about relating & some are all of the above. I refuse to pull an
interaction out. This doesn't mean I don't care, just that I'm
emotionally tired & no time for games. I'm getting too old for teeth
pulling about knowing you. So if I back off & you actually want me
around, you need to get your head out of your ass & do something.

And if I ask you things & you don't respond, I will not ask again.
Asking a 2nd & 3rd time feels like I'm nagging or nosy, & if you
wanted me to know, you'd remember to tell me the first time. Not
sharing just eventually tells me I'm not important enough for you to
remember to tell, so you get the same treatment... I start forgetting
about you too. Don't wake me up to just walk away, especially without
an explanation. That's just mean & fucking rude. You are being
careless with my feelings & I'm not sticking around to give anymore
chances.

If you don't hear from me after a good while, I didn't stop speaking
to you, you pulled back & I had to readjust . . . and I absolutely
hate doing that, so know you have provoked my wrath instantly when you
slack off or disappear without a warning. I am willing to pick up the
slack, but if I try & you don't respond, I slow down & eventually
stop. I don't need a silent audience, I need & want someone willing to
engage me & there's no point in wasting words that don't feel heard.
You want to know how I'm doing, ask me.

And if you just don't care anymore, then just keep doing what you were
doing & leave me alone. I'll be disappointed, but I'll reluctantly go.
If you really knew me, genuinely listened & comprehended my words,
you'd know that. You don't have to poison the water --- neglect & the
silent treatment work just fine because I hate making a scene and you
are not worth the argument. If you go out of your way to be hurtful &
walk away with no explanation, stay gone. If I don't deserve closure,
you don't deserve a 2nd chance to be an ass again.

Ebb & Flow

03.02.14 ... Action Reaction

All choices have consequences, even the ones we don't make, so I never blindly choose. When I choose to choose, I accept what may or may not happen. I am always aware, to the point that I sometimes overthink a choice, but I still let it form, because once I've made it, I don't deviate. Unless it's gonna harm my life fatally or the life of another, that's when I go with the flow. I made a choice & I'd like to see where it takes me. 

 

But, I just realized something a few moments ago. ...and it came about after something I read about choices. ... some of the people I once allowed in my life, didn't know how to choose, so they didn't and let Life do it for them. In choosing to stay stock still and do nothing, Life went around or through you. It's the Universal Default Button. .... if you don't make a choice, a choice will be made for you. That's just the flow of Nature --- it's not good or bad, it just is. 

Going with the flow is never a bad thing, but ever so often, especially if you involve others in your life, you need to make a conscious choice... and actually share with the other person you chose to involve yourself with about what you are up to, that is, if you care. When you include people in your life, your choices no longer affect just you.

I'm not pushy, but I am direct.... it is instinctively how I am. It works for me & I won't change it, but I do soften it occasionally, because I actually think about the other person's feelings. I also don't demand things of people.... but in the same vein, I'm not a pushover. I am an emotional being, but logic always dictates my responses. I am a mirror... and sometimes people don't like what they see reflected back to them. The easy answer for me has always been, you don't like it, fix it, in you . . . because that's the ONLY one you can fix. I do . . .every chance I get . . . because it is actually more exhausting dealing with the bad & sad & angry that shows up and wants to stay, that the purge and rebuild that should be done when shit happens. 

If you actually allowed yourself the chance to rebuild the way you should, no one can ever hurt you as badly as you've been hurt and damaged, unless you now allow it . . . because after the repair you will always hold to you that you deserve better and leave when you should, not when you have no choice. I cannot process giving up or giving in. I'm an important part of the equation, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone make me feel less than.

That is where I exist now.

Deep Impact . . .

Some days I wake up, feeling so damn tired . . .
Of what, I can't always put my finger on.
The words usually escape me,
The void sometimes consumes me . . .
but the feelings finally have a voice.
I need contact to thrive . . .
Right now, it just doesn't exist the way I want it . . .
And there is nothing I can do about it.
Hence why I feel . . .

 
So Tired...
Of starving & craving,
Of not being touched or held,
Of being teased & never pleased,
Of needs being neglected,
Of feeling forgotten and alone,
Of not being reached for & held on to,
Of feeling discarded & used,
Of being let down,
Of being lied to,
Of being pushed away & left,
Of always having to pull back,
Of being disappointed for the umpteenth time,
Of feeling unloved & unwanted,
Of never being kissed,
Of crying,
Of being hopeful,
Of just being ... tired.

Dragonheart.....

I'm not slow or shy, just initially cautious... I need to know the ground beneath what we are beginning or reconciling, is firm enough to keep us level, because I'm like a train that picks up speed exponentially. I also need to know you are not fair-weather only, because I'm definitely not & I don't wish to waste any of my time if all you are planning is to just play games. Once I engage you head-on, it's on all cylinders.... the roller coaster ride has begun. If you can't handle being known fully, by someone who wants to care about & understand you, then just leave me alone. 

Please don't waste my time & energy, and I won't waste yours.

How I act is dependent on how you treat me.... ;-) Naughty or nice, all up to you. Angry or neutral, happy or sad, same thing. Your actions determine what I do with you & for you .... and especially to you.

I cannot help what I see in you. You chose, consciously or unconsciously, to let your guard down & let me in. 

You are the one revealing what it is I see & know about you. ... don't get mad at me because you were more transparent than you intended.

Dead Zone . . .

DOB, 10.02.2000
DOD, 01.17.2013

It took me a while to accept he was a constant; I'm so used to them disappearing in the middle of the "getting to know you better" part of the journey that I cautiously dragged out our interactions when we first met.... questioned all actions, his & my own ....gave reasons for my queries & having met with no resistance, just let us happen.

For 10 years, we were good . .. very good, at least everything seemed to show that. It was the last part that, if I had to do again I wouldn't change a thing, that last part was a part of our undoing. See, I still thought we were friends, but I guess in the end, our definitions of that subject was different, diametrically opposed. I made no assumptions, asked what I needed to know, told him what he should know about me, didn't think our line blurring deleted the original foundation. In my mind & heart, our friendship was the most important part of our relating, our being whatever we were. He didn't seem to have a problem talking to me, until he stopped making an effort to, leaving me in the dark. I didn't do anything wrong, and if I did, no one said a single word. Whatever was wrong, could have been discussed civilly. You chose not to. You chose to tell me off & walk away. That was just damn mean. If you didn't want my friendship anymore, just walk away .... You were doing it already. You didn't have to poison the water . . . All you did was taint the good you left me with. I don't know when you decided we weren't friends anymore, but you neglected to tell me that. I don't know what happened between moving & settling in that you couldn't just say without being nasty; being stressed was no excuse for that Jekyll & Hyde ending to an otherwise fairly decent friendship. I don't get what happened, not because I'm naive, but only because it didn't need to happen.

I don't treat my friends, people I care about, the way he did me, at the end of this. I guess I didn't deserve a heads up or the truth, like I'd asked for, because he just didn't care how I felt anymore, if he ever cared. I don't want to believe he never cared because I have too many good memories that made me feel like he did.... too many sweet things that seemed too real to be fake.

I don't know for what or why it died, but it's done. Just writing the final chapter, for my peace of mind.

You sarcastically & caustically (at least, that's how you came across) asked me --- do you have to know the outcome to every single thing at all times --- and if you knew me the way you said you did, that question would never have been asked by you. I ask whatever I ask, whenever I ask it because I care enough about myself to be informed & ready for whatever happens.

That's self preservation & that's not a crime or an option, it's a necessity & quite mandatory in my life. I'm sorry you never got that. If you never wanted me to know you, understand you, care for you, you should have never invited me in, Dear. I always showed you all my cards.... nothing hidden. No reason to. Easier for me. Sorry you didn't appreciate that. It's not my fault you didn't wish to be clear. I told you everything, you didn't tell me anything of importance unless I asked. Apparently you got tired of being asked, just neglected to say so. I always told you, I'm sensitive, not psychic. Oh well.

My compassion is currently on hiatus; my hopeful nature & light, dimmed, but not out. My feelings blunted, my Spirit, on standby.

Now I know why God stays on the sidelines & doesn't intervene ... Man makes his choices & must learn to live with them, grow with them, die with them. Do the right thing, or don't . .. you're the one who has to process the outcome, no one else, at the end.

I loved. I won. I lost. I move on. Next...

I still hurt a little. I'm still confused, and I always will be. But, I'm ok.

I'm always ok. Bruised, but not broken.

But, my heart is tired & empty, right now, and all I'm doing is going through the motions of just being. With the ones that currently matter, I'm present & accounted for. .... but that's it for now. That's all I've got left, in spite of the hole you left.

When the tears finally stop, the hole will be sealed & scar will be finally....complete. 

Thanks for the lesson. I learned quite a bit. 

Fr, 12.27.13 ---- Does He Exist?

Because I do, & I'm quite sure I haven't met Him yet . . .

Don't get me wrong, this is not a complaint, but an objective
observation . . . romance is most definitely a game, but friendship &
commitment is for keeps, and I've had my fair share of both separately
& everything in between --- but what I've always wanted was both,
together. I've always come close, but no keepers yet.


What I've always hoped for ...

The man who makes it not too difficult for me to know him, is the one
I want to be around . . . because I'll make it just as smooth for him.
If you keep throwing up walls, so will I & if you pull back, so will
I, eventually. Action, reaction.


Present & engaging, funny & sweet, direct & playful, challenging &
honest. I am, so why can't he be? ;-)


Don't ever put me up on a pedestal unless you plan on joining me; don't
even think of putting me in a box for later when you're finally ready
for me, I won't be in there. I never said or ever inferred you weren't
worthy of me, you do so when you act not good enough, saying you don't
deserve me. Give yourself some damn credit ....
 If you didn't deserve me, I wouldn't be here. Remember that.


Find your self-esteem & your backbone. I found mine, do the work to
find yours. I'll gladly help you, but I won't do it for you. I'm
always willing to work with you, but if you make no effort, why should
I?


If I ask a question (or more) about you, sharing should not be a
dental nightmare. I'm a curious person who's just showing interest in
you . . . so if you don't want that attention, then you should not
engage me in any way.


You start taking me for granted, I'm gonna leave. I won't make a
scene, but I won't give you a head's up either, since you don't care
anymore to even speak to me. If you want to be left alone, you'll get
your wish, fool. If you don't, then pay attention to the silence from
me & fix it before I slip away. Even moreso if I tell you, do
something....Please. I don't want to leave, but your inaction gives me no choice but to protect myself.

Old Year Catharsis ...

a.k.a., Men friends, the dark side...

I love having guy friends, but sometimes, I just get tired of bothering when this stuff comes up, souring the connection, and it seems like it always does, with some of them. Just once, other than the one in my blood family, I'd like to have one male friend that didn't flake out on me like this. I don't live or love halfway. You get all of me or none of it. I know who I am & how I should be treated. I am passionate, intense, deep. If you don't see that, you're not contributing enough to spark that. If you wish to keep seeing it, stop dropping the fucking ball....on my foot.

Just because the last ones to show up asked too much of you, that you gave too willingly & over the top, by the way, why must the ones not demanding ANYTHING of you suffer for your lack of emotional foresight? You tried to save certain someones who should've been saving themselves, you suffered for their issues because you wouldn't leave before the damage to you was irreparable . . . then you walk into my life & choose right then & there to stop in your tracks & become catatonic . . . stop caring, stop acting human, becoming sorry & bitter, selfish & hermit like, with ME. That's NOT fair --- I didn't do anything to you, warranting such lack of decent treatment . . . I'm the one giving you a shoulder to lean on & I get neglected, snapped at & taken for granted instead. That's how the "nice" girl like me becomes The Bitch ... too many moments like this ... and I'm f'n tired of it. Switching gears with the one who's NOT giving you problems is not fair. Just because I don't need saving, doesn't mean I don't need or want you around. Ask me what I need ... You might be surprised you can actually fulfill my simple request. ;-)

I'm not angry or frustrated .... just exhausted. I try my best to reach you, mixed signals & all.... but even I have my limit. Your lack of connecting starts to kill my enthusiasm ... and my ability to care WTF happens to you, dwindles extremely rapidly. If you give me nothing to work with, why should I wait for you to get a clue? I shouldn't have to pull it out of you, & I won't. Why should I try reaching you anymore? Contrary to your past experiences with others of my gender, I don't want to run the show. I want a partner in crime, and that can only happen if you expend some energy & meet me halfway.

I never asked or demanded anyone to live up to my standards, they were mine & mine alone to live up to. The minute you start comparing yourself to me, you lose. The only comparing I ever try to do, is to who I was yesterday ... your life experience is neither better or worse than mine, just different, molded especially for your life lessons. I will never judge you, but I will never be jealous of you either. What I will do is take your hand so you know you're not alone. Always up to you to hold on or let go. 

You chose to show up & show me some well appreciated attention, just to turn around and take it away, abruptly ... You may not be dating me, but you opened this damn door to a friendship I was willing to participate in fully. Stop forgetting I'm a girl. Your guy friends may not need much, but you need to communicate with me regularly enough if you wish to maintain any close contact. I gave you a space of importance in my life because you were deserving of it by your actions, at the time. If you're showing me you care, I'm going to respond in kind. I'm following your pace; if it seemed intense, it's where you started us at. If it seems dead in the water, it's because you got lazy or comfortable & stopped paddling. I am willing to make allowances for you, like any good friend should, for the things you don't outright say, but if I don't feel enough reciprocation or appreciation for my efforts, I slow my participation or go away. You want this, act like it. When you say nothing, you are showing me you don't care, I don't matter. It may not be your intent, but that's what you reflect. I'm sensitive, not psychic. Pay attention.

Most of you never pace yourselves; you throw it all in full force & then peter out, wondering why we are so mad at the end. Most of us don't downshift that fast. I don't like having to retract my feelings, shut things down because you can't get a clue. I don't like restricting myself; puts me in a very, very bad mood. The disappearing act hurts me every time you do it. You are not protecting anyone when you create that void, just giving us baggage, especially when all you had to do was open your damn mouth. You got what you wanted & gave me crumbs; that's the impression you leave, every time you do it. Man up goddamn it . . . If you don't want the irrational crazy woman, stop creating her. Open your damn mouth & say what you're feeling when you're feeling it, whatever the hell it is. Bottling it up just makes us both crazy & releasing it will make you feel better. So, if you want me to understand what you're dealing with, give me a reason to..... don't make me crazy with your silence.

Your disappearing act may not be personal, but it becomes highly frustrating when almost every guy I've been involved with on some level has done so, whether I picked them or they show up, initially interested & highly energized. I'm smart enough to "know" that it's just that you are ill-prepared to go deeper, but in the moment, it does not feel like "your issue alone", it feels like a rejection of me, especially when you say or show nothing on your way out. On my end, as far as I know, I did nothing wrong, just continued to be the Me you initially liked ... and you pull back, cowardly. Not fun for me to emotionally deal with, because usually I was beginning to trust you & willing to open up a bit more when you chose to bolt .... and some of you make me want to carry a nail gun to staple your shadow where you stand, Peter Pan. It is not as easy as it looks to stand there exposed & vulnerable; if you care about me at all, please don't leave me hanging. A head's up goes a long assed way with me.

Or you may do so, thinking you're protecting me from you & your terrible pain & secrets .... but what you fail to realize is, I knew you weren't perfect when I met you. I saw all of you, head on, and continued to approach. That was my challenge, my choice to make. Get over yourself.

News flash.... we all have shit wrong with us & the smart man lets the woman that cares for him, be it friend or more than, help him through it, whatever it is. That's "our" skill & most of us do it quite well, if you let us be your ally. You're not superhuman & we all need help sometimes. 


Even the best superheroes had allies --- they didn't all work alone, and neither should you, if you don't have to or want to.