Mi Amor . . .

I loved you instantly, the first time you ever put your arms around me. I didn't want you to ever let me go. :-)

Good friends are a rare commodity, they become priceless the longer you keep & love them. I never give mine up.

My love may subside, but it never waivers or goes away . . . It changes shape & form to fit the situation at hand. Always.

If I love you, it's eternal. Far apart or up close & personal, my feelings stay the same. The "missing you" part, however, is proportional to the distance we are apart.

I will always care about you, wish the best for you, & hope you find the happiness & peace you deserve.

I will never stand in your way or try to force you to do anything.

If I know you, if you let me all the way in, then I love you. It's that simple.

I could never hate you, so loving you is inevitable & everlasting.

I'm not going anywhere but back into your heart, whenever you invite me in. You always have a permanent place in mine.

Baby, light my fire . . .

He tells me I'm odd, not normal, freaky, silly. Any other woman might be offended. Not me. That actually makes me very happy, because it means he truly sees me, & even better, he likes it & wants more. Epic win.

He calls me Trouble, but he calls me Sunshine too. However, the best thing he could ever call me is Friend.

He makes me think . . . but he also makes me feel. He provokes me to be present & impulsive & silly, all the damn time, instantly. I don't hesitate, but I do pace myself --- no need to burn us both out. I find my self just being all of me, all the time, and it's so nice to finally be back there, now. The most important answer from him, to any question I have ever asked him about my actions has consistently been, just do you. I can't go wrong with that advice. So as long as I know I'm not being intentionally hurtful, I don't hold back anything, anymore. That's what's different this time around.

He is just the right mixture of mirth & mayhem & mild-manneredness to keep my focus & keep my skills sharp, too. The only struggle I have is what to say or do next; for someone like me who is never at a loss for words or ideas, just outlets for them both, I am exceptionally happy that is my only true personal problem with him. No complaints here about that.

I found this quote a few days ago, and for me it fits our relationship:

 "Someday, someone will come into your life and love you the way you've always wanted .  .  .

If your someday was yesterday, learn.

If your someday is tomorrow, hope.

If your someday is today, cherish."


I cherish you .  ;o)  Every single day.

My Soulful Gratitude . . .

Whenever I have a moment to wonder why I make the effort to be present like only I can do, he does something very special. Sharing what he does, how he does with me, he makes every impulsive thing I've ever done for anyone worthwhile. I hope that he truly comprehends why I care like I do  .  .  . he gives to me the special little things I want, that most guys never really did consistently .  .  . the pieces of himself that matter most .  .  . he lets me in to his mind & his heart, effortlessly & I am grateful that it's that easy peasy between us.  :-)

Thank you for answering my heartfelt request. He is the best miracle you could have ever given me.

Blindsiding is a choice . . .

Old friends & exes cross our minds from time to time, offering us an opportunity to come to terms with our actions, growth & sometimes forgiveness .  .  . especially for ourselves.

When someone leaves you unexpectedly, it's not the leaving that hurts so much, but the not saying a word as they go. The no warning of their departure .  .  . like what you had with them meant nothing to them, ever. The Coward's way out leaves questions unanswered, words unsaid, anger & doubt. It leaves more pain behind than the truth ever could.

Why do people do it anyway? Afraid to deal with their own crap. Don't want to see the carnage they leave behind. Don't care about the other, if they ever really did. I ask myself that of the people who left my life, at least for me, abruptly & unexpectedly. I can look at it now with pity, but when it is happening, all you feel is hurt & confused.

What did I do? Nothing, really, I just grew & you didn't grow with me. When I have exhausted every potential reason for this departure, including my own shortcomings, blindness or naivete about the person I chose to involve myself with, I have to accept your leaving as a gift & thank you for it. I'm not a difficult person to care for, to deal with or to talk to .  .  . & when you choose not to do any of the above anymore (if you ever did), I need to see that's all on you & I shouldn't take responsibility for your emotional immaturity. I have to accept that you didn't realize you had a good thing with me & just didn't know what to do with that.

Emotional limbo is worse than the truth. The other person cannot move because they don't know what you are doing, which forces them to think things that may or may not be true, about the situation or themselves or even you.

I know some people just don't know how to let go when you want or need to leave (or even don't know if you should .  .  . ) but if you knew me at all, you'd know I wasn't one of those people. You have to go, go with my blessing  .  .  . because if I cared for you at all, I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. Don't make us both unnecessarily miserable, if that's how you really feel. You're not happy, say so & get out so I can move on too. Chances are, I may feel the same way .  .  . but if you don't talk to me, you'll never know, fool.

Your leaving gives room for the right person to show up, the confident one that you never were but who I chose to be patient with. My only mistake was letting you stay much longer than you deserved. To continue to be angry with you or hurt by you gives you attention & energy you do not deserve anymore.

Have a nice life, because I definitely intend to, without you.

Saving Grace . . .

It's Friday as I compose this part . . . & as I get ready for a surprise party I'm heading to in a few hours, I replay the events of this week & can't stop smiling. Good thing is, I really don't want to. Early Wednesday morning, my time, I was in a "study session" with a friend, thousands of miles away. We've had a 2nd on Thursday & I went to bed smiling, as always, after being re-charged for the next day.

Woke up Wednesday morning, playful, walked into my parents' bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, talked & laughed with them. My father tickled my mom on one side, I on the other & as she squirmed & and laughed, I thought . . . I am very, very, very lucky.

I am happy today for so many reasons. A hour or two after playing, again, I walked out onto the patio & this message came streaming out of me. It started off in my mind addressed to one person . . . & slowly morphed into this thank you note for all the wonderful people in my life.

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Every time I think about something special about you, I write it somewhere until I can express it. This always puts me in a really good mood . . . and since I don't hold anything back anymore, it seems only fair to pay it forward.

I love you. I love you every day & in every way you will allow me to. I love who I am when I am with you & I love who I have become because of you.

I never thought I could be filled to the point of overflowing with so much love . . . until you came into my life. When I'm not speaking & happen to be staring at you smiling, this is what I'm thinking.

You helped me regain the last of what was missing, just by being you. There is never a day that goes by that I am not thinking about you fondly. I'm so happy you are in my life. Your presence blasted the hinges off the door to my heart & for that, I am eternally grateful. You did this to me & I like owing you & finding new ways to pay you back.

You make it so easy for me to be the loving, wacky person that I love to be. Raul, Vilma & Roberto always helped me dream . . . Chanda helped me walk again . . . Trish helped me run again . . . Tom helped me fly. Shauna, my sweet new sister, reminds why being nice & compassionate at all times are always good things to be.

I know I don't have to say any of this . . . but I feel like I need to. I can do this so effortlessly only because of you. You are my happy place. You are the reason I do what I do, as impulsively as I do it. You are the Light that fills my soul. I only reflect what is given to me . . . and you have always given me so much. Thank you for loving me, as beautifully as you do.

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Unchained Melody . . . The Righteous Brothers

Oh my love my darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh wait for me wait for me
I'll be coming home wait for me

Oh my love my darling
I've hungered hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me

Old Thoughts, Same Feelings Today . . .

04.26.09

You know things are better when every happy love song you sing, you know you are singing it proudly to and about yourself.

They take on a whole new meaning & feeling when YOU are the title character. ;o)

I started doing that when I listened to the words of "Lost Without You" by Robin Thicke . . . and all the songs seem so much sweeter --- because I'm pouring out all that energy back into ME. All that passion, all that love, I'm giving back to the one person who deserves it most . . . ME. ;o)


01.22.2012

I was re-watching "Eat Pray Love" earlier, like 2am, and two phrases stood out for me & my progress . . .

"God dwells within you as You . . ."

"Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself."