Lies vs Secrets....

Why do we lie? For some of us, it's generational... it's been told for so long, it becomes our truth. For others, they just refuse to tell the truth, because it means they will have to deal with the consequences. When you neglect to tell someone something they need or deserve to know to make an informed decision or choice, that's a lie of omission... and sometimes that's the worst lie of all, because if what you choose not to tell me is because you don't want to look bad over how not telling me will be hurtful in the long run, I never mattered to you. I'd rather lose face than lose a loved one. Unfortunately, if I lose a loved one because I told the truth, then I guess our time is done & I must move on.

Why do we keep secrets? Because no one has to know everything about you until you feel ready & safe to share any of it. Because you are entitled to keep certain things to yourself. Because we live in a hypocritical & judgmental world that tends to use our issues & quirks against us. And unfortunately, sometimes we feel forced to.


Being 100% truthful doesn't make me naïve... it just means I don't have the energy to waste that comes with lying & keeping secrets to cover the lie. You ask a question, you get a truthful answer. My truth. Up to you if you believe me or not, I have nothing to prove to you or anybody. Doesn't have to match your truth to be right.... different perspectives on the same theme.... and because of that, there will always be these multiples.... your truth, my truth & THE truth.

Secrets are a different matter. What is your business should stay your business, unless you so choose to share with someone... and that's your prerogative. Everyone has secrets.... & everyone should keep secrets. The whole world doesn't need to know everything about you.... it's none of their business until you choose to share... at least, that's how it should be. No one should ever feel forced to reveal a secret about themselves until they are ready, and that could be never. You are supposed to do things at your pace; not rushed or forced, ever. I will not be blackmailed or browbeated into revealing something I'm not ready to reveal.


I never push, because I don't want to be pushed. I ask a question, you either answer me or you don't. Treat my questions like the Spanish Inquisition or an IA debriefing... you really don't know me. I'm just very curious, especially if you don't make a habit of just sharing. If you cannot figure how to reciprocate that effectively, leave me alone, because you eventually make me feel like you don't wish to be bothered, eventhough you opened this door. Simple reflection... I treat you how I wish to be treated.... and I wish to be treated damn well.

Secrets & lies are dependent on what they do to you & others... If they harm your spirit irreparably... If they make others wary of you... If you even care at all... if they turn you into a hypocrite, maybe, you need to rethink them. Always your choice and your consequences to deal with.

When is keeping a secret wrong and telling a lie right?  The exceptions for me would be a life or death situation, things that will not change for the better & things that you know for sure will cause more harm than good to you or the other.

I'm not perfect & never claimed to be, but I try to be as low key in this area as humanly possible; I try my best to stay clear of damaging lies & secrets. We live in a judgemental & critical time... that has no qualms of reminding you when you fucked up. Too much CYA to contend with these days, so the less I give others to pick at, the better.

The only time I've ever felt great about keeping a secret or telling a lie is if I'm planning or have part in a good surprise. If the person smiles after I've told them the truth, then it was worth doing.

08.26,14.... Love's Face...

Once you have started seeing the Beauty of Life, ugliness starts disappearing.
If you start looking at life with Joy, sadness starts disappearing.
You cannot have heaven and hell together, you can only have one.
It is your choice.
~Osho~

However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.
~Stanley Kubrick~

Dear Life,
Thank you for another Day.
Thank you for another Chance
to Love again, to Smile again,
And to say, "Thank You", again.
Love, Me

Happy, Calm, Hungry....

I am not a passive dragon, so do not tease me. I need & want attention... I've needed & wanted it for so long, that when it does show up, I savor it. I appreciate it. I reflect it back, in all its glory. So when it stops abruptly, I'm entitled to get sad... because I don't know how long I'll have to wait for the next dose. Sometimes it's years. Sometimes it's decades. Sometimes, it feels like never again.

It's not that I want & need everyday contact... it's that that's what you started with & changed direction with no warning... and even if you did, I don't downshift that fast. I was still travelling at the speed you started us at, lightning. Just because you know for certain that I'll always be there doesn't mean I don't need reinforcements from time to time. My scales do tarnish without consistent attention.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on this deserted island, not of my choosing.... like I was banished there for giving a damn... but I make the best of it, always finding that silver lining. :-) I have always been this way, and that's what keeps me going.

Left, Right, Center...

Double Air, Water...

Double Earth, Fire...

On a Western chart, I'm a Gm.Sn/Aq.Mn/Cn.Asc.... and Eastern, Tr.Sn/Cp.Mn/L.Asc...  Tornado, Hurricane & Flood... Earthquake, Landslide & Forestfire...   

Regardless of the element, things with me need to flow, or go. I will never move before I'm ready to, but when I do, you better clear a path, unless you wish to be run over. Even when I'm still, potential energy is stirring within, waiting to flow somewhere. The person who takes the time to really know me, understands that I'm a Force of Nature.

I don't respond to subtlety well when it comes to not saying what needs to be said because some one just doesn't want to deal with it, whatever it is. I don't respond well to being / feeling ignored either. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away, and talking won't always fix it, but at least you know what direction it should or will take, once it has been revealed.

I am Quan Yin & Pele, Athena & Aurora...

Change is always constant & resistance is eventually futile. For those two reasons alone, I hate inertia. I need things to flow, one way or the other, to me or away from me, so I can function.

My Eye Candy....

I hear a familiar sound, so I lift my head from whatever I'm doing & see a simple image that makes me smile everytime I see it. I don't know yet what it is about either that makes me watch, but I'm always smiling after I've looked at my treat to the senses.

Observing J reminds me I've still got a pulse & I'm not dead inside... I haven't given up the race back to me. O does too. Knowing nothing about either doesn't affect my viewing pleasure; gay or straight, married or single, watching them just be, amuses me. Having them respond to my subtle attention when I give it, boosts my ego.... and that is never a bad thing for me. Even better is when they look for & see me & interact... feels good when the curiosity is reciprocal.

I know what I'd do, what I'm capable of if there was a proper opportunity; what has changed drastically for me is "that" voice.... I hear nothing of the Critic, and that, above all else, is what makes me smile. :-) 

They should want to talk to me... I'm pretty damn awesome. ;-)

07.31.14.... Leftovers

Questions I can't ask,
Answers I will never get....

I was working on the computers & I found some files I thought I disposed of when you disrupted us.... seeing them, I was surprised I felt nothing... I was looking at someone I don't know anymore, but hope is ok. I don't have to know, & don't want to know, now or ever. You created that. Didn't have to be that way, but hey, it's done.

When I said to you long ago I wouldn't ever leave, I meant that no matter what, I wasn't a fair-weather friend. If you didn't understand that, you could have asked me... you never clarified a damn thing. I know what you were used to, and it wasn't the likes of me.

You came at me with such an intensity, that I was happy to have you there. You opened me up in ways no one else had & I know what I did to you & for you. So please explain to me why it seems ok to you to just drop out without saying anything reasonable to me? Why don't I deserve a clear, decent, honorable response to my fair inquiry? Why treat me like I don't deserve any decency for my involvement with you & pretty much shutting the door in my face?

For all the good you did with & for me, you tainted it by being an unnecessary asshole on the way out. Where do you get off being bitchy to me, the one person not demanding anything from you, but the truth & some respect? I waited a week or two after that message.... but in my heart, I knew you'd bailed, that's why it broke. I'm sorry you didn't want to deal... because it was fixable. As your friend, it was always fixable.... until you stayed gone. So I vented, whether you heard me or not, because I needed to. I removed reminders & deleted emails. And I cried. Every damn day for a few months, in anger, because you were mean. Then a few months in sadness, because it hurt. Then, I went silent -- half numb, half detached.

I realize that although I'm much better now, you can't put a specific timetable on healing... and I've made peace with the fact this week that I keep writing about it because it still hurts. Deep. Friend breaks are worse than romance breaks, in my opinion. You broke me. You cracked my heart into pieces & on my end, it was unnecessary. I get that you were dealing with a lot, but you didn't have to throw it at me.... and if you knew me as well as you thought you did, I can't let it drop until it's resolved & the pain is gone. My mind has made peace with it, but my heart is still purging what little bit of pain is left. I guess I'm not as over it as I thought if I'm writing this now.

Who the FUCK are you to be such a damn jackass? Why would you want to hurt me, on purpose? Wtf was wrong that you couldn't just TELL me? You didn't have to do that for me to leave, I was already pulling back, you were just too damned blind to see it. I never did anything to you that deserved what you said to me, or the final silence that came after. I was your loyal friend & I didn't deserve to be the target of whatever you were frustrated by at the time. You threw a tantrum & walked away, creating more questions as to who the hell I was really dealing with. Why force me to potentially hate you? This could have been an amicable dissolution. You made this ending more than it had to be & you deserve whatever drama you've stuck yourself in right now, since that's what you seem to perversely like & are used to. Not an attack, but observation of your own, from your own mouth. Remember, I forget nothing... until I need to. I need to forget what was done, so I can move on.

My "prolific-ness" at trying to reach you the last time I was hurt, before this fucked up ending was because you mattered to me, fool... & I didn't want it to end over a misunderstanding that could be cleared in a heartbeat. This was our only means of communication & I didn't know if you were sick, busy or just avoiding. If I seemed irrational that time, it's because I was feeling vulnerable & exposed.... I'd never expressed myself to you or anyone else in that fashion without getting attacked & your lack of response for as long as you were unexpectedly absent, made it worse. I'm not perfect & never claimed to be. You were important enough to me to track down, before I walked away for good, because your silence was provoking that. I deserved better. You said it yourself when you got your Pearl Harbor sneak attack from her.... anything can be discussed if the parties at hand just try. You didn't try this last time... and you did the same to me that was done to you.

I'm at a loss why someone who could talk to me, didn't.... who knew me but sure as fuck acted like he didn't.... didn't trust me enough to stand by my word & not judge him.... So I keep writing until it fades. This is how I process things I don't understand. I'll get over it when I do. Blurring the lines never stopped me from being your friend... I'm sorry to know it did for you, because that's my only explanation for your childishness with me. Our lines were inextricably blurred since the day we met. I always knew what you were to me, at all times. I never lied to you. I never disrespected you. I just loved you, however you'd let me. I did my best & regret nothing but the way you ended this.