Ebb & Flow

03.02.14 ... Action Reaction

All choices have consequences, even the ones we don't make, so I never blindly choose. When I choose to choose, I accept what may or may not happen. I am always aware, to the point that I sometimes overthink a choice, but I still let it form, because once I've made it, I don't deviate. Unless it's gonna harm my life fatally or the life of another, that's when I go with the flow. I made a choice & I'd like to see where it takes me. 

 

But, I just realized something a few moments ago. ...and it came about after something I read about choices. ... some of the people I once allowed in my life, didn't know how to choose, so they didn't and let Life do it for them. In choosing to stay stock still and do nothing, Life went around or through you. It's the Universal Default Button. .... if you don't make a choice, a choice will be made for you. That's just the flow of Nature --- it's not good or bad, it just is. 

Going with the flow is never a bad thing, but ever so often, especially if you involve others in your life, you need to make a conscious choice... and actually share with the other person you chose to involve yourself with about what you are up to, that is, if you care. When you include people in your life, your choices no longer affect just you.

I'm not pushy, but I am direct.... it is instinctively how I am. It works for me & I won't change it, but I do soften it occasionally, because I actually think about the other person's feelings. I also don't demand things of people.... but in the same vein, I'm not a pushover. I am an emotional being, but logic always dictates my responses. I am a mirror... and sometimes people don't like what they see reflected back to them. The easy answer for me has always been, you don't like it, fix it, in you . . . because that's the ONLY one you can fix. I do . . .every chance I get . . . because it is actually more exhausting dealing with the bad & sad & angry that shows up and wants to stay, that the purge and rebuild that should be done when shit happens. 

If you actually allowed yourself the chance to rebuild the way you should, no one can ever hurt you as badly as you've been hurt and damaged, unless you now allow it . . . because after the repair you will always hold to you that you deserve better and leave when you should, not when you have no choice. I cannot process giving up or giving in. I'm an important part of the equation, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone make me feel less than.

That is where I exist now.

Deep Impact . . .

Some days I wake up, feeling so damn tired . . .
Of what, I can't always put my finger on.
The words usually escape me,
The void sometimes consumes me . . .
but the feelings finally have a voice.
I need contact to thrive . . .
Right now, it just doesn't exist the way I want it . . .
And there is nothing I can do about it.
Hence why I feel . . .

 
So Tired...
Of starving & craving,
Of not being touched or held,
Of being teased & never pleased,
Of needs being neglected,
Of feeling forgotten and alone,
Of not being reached for & held on to,
Of feeling discarded & used,
Of being let down,
Of being lied to,
Of being pushed away & left,
Of always having to pull back,
Of being disappointed for the umpteenth time,
Of feeling unloved & unwanted,
Of never being kissed,
Of crying,
Of being hopeful,
Of just being ... tired.