Life's Internal Choices . . .

Love & Detachment & Peace Within .... All of them, a choice. Always, your choice. No one else can make those decisions for you & no one else should. No one else gets blamed or praised but you. You and only you are responsible for the consequences of your actions.

You will never find the happiness you seek within another person, until you find it first within yourself. If you cannot be happy, genuinely & completely happy with yourself, by yourself, you cannot be happy with anyone else. If you will not at least try to figure that out, why should anyone else try to? You teach people how to treat you ... So if you don't want to be treated crappily, stop treating yourself that way. That's actually one thing you can stop cold turkey and pick better, today. Start paying attention to what you say about yourself, to others. The only way to find out what makes you happy, is to search for it, trial and error. That's what your life is for. It is that simple.

Pain is the same, no matter what or who is causing it ... it's how you choose to deal with it that matters most. Closing off, blocking it, ignoring it, doesn't make any of it go away. Facing it, feeling it & eventually letting it go & forgiving yourself ... is the only way.

 

We all make mistakes of judgement -- yet we are ultimately hardest on ourselves, sometimes brutally. We are not perfect & all-knowing; others can fool us well only because they've had much practice on many others ... and most of us don't usually go looking for a problem until there is one. I know I don't.

There is nothing wrong with giving second chances, only that the person being given the chance realize that it is a gift & appreciate that this gift is rare & cherish it. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. It's the chance we take in loving people. Most people are worth the chance, in my book. My choice, my consequences to live with . . . and I'm always up to the challenge that it will come out right. ;-)

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My Way .....

I do what I do, how I do it ....

so that you know I'm always thinking of you,

So that you know how much I care,

So that you know you matter to me.

It's not lip service ....

I have just always been that simple.

Up to you to believe it, or not.

B, Ga. Ennui. . . .

I always write until I either feel better or feel nothing .... and this past Sunday (17th) made it 10 months, and I'm much better, much quicker than I expected to be. I can talk about it now with hardly any tears, and finally no venom.....it is what it is. I guess he wanted me to just disappear too & didn't feel he owed me anything, no explanation. Difference is, he never said it until the meanness & coldness of that last note & just walked away. Damn emotional coward. If I just left, he didn't have to explain the madness of his situation to me, whatever it was. 

Telling him how I felt was not me expecting anything, it was just me being truthful.

I didn't betray his trust, ever. I guess my word wasn't enough.

And I don't hate him, just what he did. I will always love the friend he was to me. I have lots of fond memories of that person.

I don't know what happened, and by now, I don't want to or need to know why. If I was a difficult person to speak to, I could understand, but I know I'm not. Whatever happened, that was his emotional crap, not mine .... and I genuinely wish him luck with whatever he's dealing with. 

All I ever did was ask to understand, not judge. Give me a heads up, that's all I seriously asked for. He knew that. ... & I was always clear about my intentions. When I shared the things that changed us, he was all over the damn board. When I asked about the thing he didn't wish to talk about, I guess I lost my friend status. .... and instead of speak to me like a human, he just spewed it at me, all at once.

I didn't want anything but his respect & understanding, which, after a decade or so, I thought I already had. ..... I never lied to him or betrayed his trust, but I got disposed of like I did something heinously wrong. His actions near the end say he never completely trusted me or just didn't care anymore. That's a reflection on him, not me. I regret nothing I did, and I'm better because of it all.

I thought he knew how to be my friend, but, I guess I was wrong. It happens. I had more faith in him than I should have. That's all I'm guilty of.

Gender Observations ...

Talking with you this week, prompted this commentary, this morning.... :-)

I wholeheartedly think, if I didn't grow up having a brother, some of the things men do would have driven me crazy or annoyed the hell out of me decades ago. I also feel that if my brother didn't have me, the same would have occurred for him, with women. We are extremely lucky to have had a wonderful relationship, but it didn't just exist ... we worked at it to make it this damn good. We are people who wanted the exact same things and had the sense to figure out how to give that to each other.

I have an extreme patience with most men, because they make sense to me; I seem to confuse most when I say that, but it's true. I see the struggles they have within as clearly as I see my own, so I try my best to not gender generalize or take every action personally.... unless that bullet or knife had my name on it, I don't flinch, much. My observations & experiences over time show me that all I've seen reverts back to basic human needs & desires ... that we all crave:

To be ...
Heard. Seen. Understood. Respected. Believed in. Wanted. Loved. Trusted. Happy.

Thank you Friend, for willingly giving me these gifts.