Definitely how I felt a month ago. Now, this is just funny.
:o) Still truthful, however.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Basic, Simple Truth . . .
Definitely how I felt a month ago. Now, this is just funny.
:o) Still truthful, however.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Choices . . .
You never had to interact with me as intensely as you did --- You chose to. We could have spoken once or twice a week, a month, whatever --- you chose to respond every day. I didn't beg you to or force you to & was surprised when you jumped right in, more consistently than any man I'd ever known. I let you in closer to me because you did the same, without hesitation.
I was never gonna be a fair-weather friend & I told you that upfront. I never lied to you about ANYTHING. I don't know if you were used to someone being 100% honest with you, but I was. I was truthful with you at all times because I really don't know how to be deceitful & choose to not be dishonest. Our subject matter may have been playful & risque at times, but I thought our friendship was real, not a game. When I told you you were like family to me, I meant it. When I told you I considered you one of my best friends, I meant that, too. I cannot & will not speak or think for you --- I can only be certain of my truths & observations . . . for all of our innuendos, you made me no promises & I expected nothing more than what you could deliver. I went into this with no expectations . . . words are pretty, but actions speak volumes. I never expected perfection (God knows I'm not), but I did expect decency because you showed it to me. I expected obnoxiousness & humility for the same reason. I expected my questions to be answered because that is what you always gave me when I was confused. January was no different for me . . . it was just a question . . . that you could have said anything "decent" to . . . I can't talk about it, I don't want to talk about it, I'm not sure how to answer that, why are you asking me this . . . etc . . . but instead, you chose to avoid it, be rude & snarky . . . to me.
You've never treated me like that before. It was never once necessary to be mean to me. That's why this hurts as much as it does. I never did anything to you that deserved meanness, and that's what confuses me most these days. Cutting me off & out, the way you did, was just mean. I don't know what's happening around you if you do not say something or I ask you. You let me in that close. What did you think was gonna happen? For all my dreams, hopes, wishes & admissions, I expected nothing more than you were able to give, nothing more than you wanted to give. I am that reasonable. I am that nice. I am that understanding. I'm sorry you didn't trust me enough to live up to those truths.
I was never gonna be a fair-weather friend & I told you that upfront. I never lied to you about ANYTHING. I don't know if you were used to someone being 100% honest with you, but I was. I was truthful with you at all times because I really don't know how to be deceitful & choose to not be dishonest. Our subject matter may have been playful & risque at times, but I thought our friendship was real, not a game. When I told you you were like family to me, I meant it. When I told you I considered you one of my best friends, I meant that, too. I cannot & will not speak or think for you --- I can only be certain of my truths & observations . . . for all of our innuendos, you made me no promises & I expected nothing more than what you could deliver. I went into this with no expectations . . . words are pretty, but actions speak volumes. I never expected perfection (God knows I'm not), but I did expect decency because you showed it to me. I expected obnoxiousness & humility for the same reason. I expected my questions to be answered because that is what you always gave me when I was confused. January was no different for me . . . it was just a question . . . that you could have said anything "decent" to . . . I can't talk about it, I don't want to talk about it, I'm not sure how to answer that, why are you asking me this . . . etc . . . but instead, you chose to avoid it, be rude & snarky . . . to me.
You've never treated me like that before. It was never once necessary to be mean to me. That's why this hurts as much as it does. I never did anything to you that deserved meanness, and that's what confuses me most these days. Cutting me off & out, the way you did, was just mean. I don't know what's happening around you if you do not say something or I ask you. You let me in that close. What did you think was gonna happen? For all my dreams, hopes, wishes & admissions, I expected nothing more than you were able to give, nothing more than you wanted to give. I am that reasonable. I am that nice. I am that understanding. I'm sorry you didn't trust me enough to live up to those truths.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Careless or Clueless or Heartless . . .
either way, a Big Fuckin' DumbAss . . .
I'm not apologizing for that & I'm done trying to figure out what the hell happened. This is the anger The Asshole left me with. There is nothing he couldn't say to me & for the life of me, I still don't understand why it played out the way it did. There is so much that could have been said on his part that just wasn't . . . and there is sooo much I didn't say because I have some self-respect. I have only a few options to work from about him --- emotional coward, mentally unstable, pathological liar or pussy-whipped bitch. Yeah, I said it. I'm just fuckin' tired of this shitty ending. And it was that . . . shitty. It was a shitty way to finish this.
I keep slingshot-ing between annoyance & acceptance because I just cannot wrap my brain around his actions. He thoroughly blindsided & confused me. I give up my friends for no one, unless you can prove to me that my friend cannot be trusted. If my friend is in a relationship, regardless of whatever transpired between us, I respect the relationship that person is in & do nothing to disrespect it or disrupt it, EVER. I know my place if I want to keep that friend. Now, if the friend cannot behave or didn't tell me anything so I don't get assaulted by the S.O. , that's not on me . . . take that issue up with your partner, because I am not and never intend to be a home wrecker. :-/
Somebody lied & it wasn't me. :o( I have no reason to do so.
I'll stop writing about it when it stops hurting. I'm getting there.
I'm not apologizing for that & I'm done trying to figure out what the hell happened. This is the anger The Asshole left me with. There is nothing he couldn't say to me & for the life of me, I still don't understand why it played out the way it did. There is so much that could have been said on his part that just wasn't . . . and there is sooo much I didn't say because I have some self-respect. I have only a few options to work from about him --- emotional coward, mentally unstable, pathological liar or pussy-whipped bitch. Yeah, I said it. I'm just fuckin' tired of this shitty ending. And it was that . . . shitty. It was a shitty way to finish this.
I keep slingshot-ing between annoyance & acceptance because I just cannot wrap my brain around his actions. He thoroughly blindsided & confused me. I give up my friends for no one, unless you can prove to me that my friend cannot be trusted. If my friend is in a relationship, regardless of whatever transpired between us, I respect the relationship that person is in & do nothing to disrespect it or disrupt it, EVER. I know my place if I want to keep that friend. Now, if the friend cannot behave or didn't tell me anything so I don't get assaulted by the S.O. , that's not on me . . . take that issue up with your partner, because I am not and never intend to be a home wrecker. :-/
Somebody lied & it wasn't me. :o( I have no reason to do so.
I'll stop writing about it when it stops hurting. I'm getting there.
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