I'm short & I'm thick. That part of my genes was inevitable . . . my maternal grandmother was a solid woman . . . but my paternal grandfather was a short man. I'm built like her, but short like him. My younger brother lucked out & got our maternal grandfather's height, so the thickness gets spread out a little.
We have always been healthy, active kids; I've never known a day my parents weren't active & I've always appreciated the foundation they instilled in us. Because of that, I know if I don't want to gain, I have to keep moving.
At my smallest, I'm built like a cello . . . I'm all legs & hips. Dance was my exercise foundation, & has helped me retain my strength & endurance, despite my weight gain. For that, I am grateful.
When I get stressed, I don't eat. When I get distracted, I miss meals. My last two years of high school were distracting & stressful . . . & my bad eating habits began there. My first two years of college were actually good; not having a car, I walked everywhere. Being on the meal plan forced me to eat consistently . . . so I never gained the "freshman 15".
I loved being my brother's sparring partner when he took karate as a child, so I took a class on campus. Fear of water? Took an aquatic fitness class. Interest in strength training? Took a weight training class. I went home that year, the same weight I left but the smallest & fittest I'd ever been in my whole life . . . and I loved it. Unfortunately, a year after that, my life got stressful again, & my fitness took a back seat.
My weight slowly crept up & physical chronic issues crept in as well, things that never bothered me as a youth: TMJ, asthma, hair loss. My job, after I graduated, was very physical, and I started to gradually lose again, but there was a problem. Money was tight, I wasn't handling my stress well & I was unintentionally starving myself. I lost a massive amount of weight, but it wasn't intentional & it wasn't healthy. In fact it was downright painful. I dropped 4 sizes, probably about 80 pounds, but at what cost? I learned some very important things about my body back then . . . and I never want to put it through that trauma ever again. I sacrificed nutrition for finance & I paid for it every day.
I needed to get a handle on what I was doing & why . . . so I did my "spring cleaning" from the inside out, first. I needed to find balance. Fix the emotional & everything else falls into place. Mental followed, then spiritual. All of it was a lesson in putting me first . . . I'm a caretaker at my core & I was doing myself a disservice, putting me last.
It has been a challenging yet rewarding journey . . . and my body is gradually reflecting that. I think my best lesson has been to not be so hard on myself. The baby steps are just as important as the large leaps forward.
Since then, I make better choices. I handle my stress better. I pace myself. I let people know when I need help. I meditate. I laugh more. I journal. I do yoga & belly dance when I can. I sketch. I work in my garden. I sing. I dug deep & cleared out all my bad habits, to the best of my ability. I have reasonable long term & short term, fun goals set out. Like I said in my first SP entry . . . I'm the happiest I've been in years & my body needs to reflect that. I'm ready to do the work & I'll do what it takes to get there, enthusiastically & patiently.
It's why this time around is so important. It's a permanent, good change. I'm conscious about everything I'm doing. It will take longer, but it will be healthier. When you know better, you do better . . . and I'm happy to say, I am there.
