Show up in your life for a few good reasons ....
to help you or teach you, show you where you are and where you want to be ... and even where you don't want to be. To see if you learned the lesson they represent, or if you still need a refresher course. Will you choose different, or make the same error? Are you a quick study, or a stubborn one? Will you be sluggish & get smacked again, or duck quicker this time? Or will you make no decision at all & let life steamroll over you? All of it, at all times, all your choice.
Where ever you are, is a life of your own making, and only you can stop the madness, if you really want to. Clearly some people don't, they would rather bellyache over what could or should have been, instead of seeing it as a bullet dodged, preparing you for something else. You are responsible for where you are, at every step of the way. You made the choices that led you here, to this exact moment. You could have the life you want, but you have to be ready to accept it & feel worthy of it when it comes. Hell, it could have passed you by already, quite a few times, but you didn't see it because you didn't feel deserving of it. You didn't think you were good enough, so you let it pass you by & allowed what was not worthy of you to stay & tear you limb from limb, until there was nothing left to fight for. Beaten down, you stay put. You are the only one who can fight for you, and if you give up that right, what wants to take advantage of you, will, with your permission.
You can accept the help if offered, or go it alone or do nothing ..... but you don't get to complain when you choose not to move out of the way. You don't get to blame others for the shithole you are in when you bypass the warnings you clearly got but didn't heed. And we get them, all the damn time. Sometimes it's just a feeling you can't place, but you know. We always know. Animals don't need proof, they just trust their instincts. We stopped doing so & look where that gets us.
I can say all of this not because of blind optimism, but because I've been there already. I take my chances with people & hope that some of them prove me wrong because I know both sides & root for the underdog, because I was the underdog before. Sometimes I get knocked on my ass, but I try. I know I'm worth loving & being cared for. I didn't always feel that way. I had to learn I was worthy.
Sometimes I get disappointed .... I cannot control other people's movements, only my own. Most of the time, though, I win. People can only hurt you if you give them permission ... bullshit. They can blindside you too, having become very good at deceit & you not looking for a problem because no clear signs show up. Some people have made bullshit an artform and wouldn't know honesty if it bit them on the ass, but I cannot let them stop me. Those are the ones you run from, quickly. The ones you don't give a second & umpteenth chance to, to fuck your heart & mind over.
I got broken once. Twice is not an option. I live. I love. I learn.
I regret nothing I do.
I regret no one I meet.
Their actions are their karma to deal with.
I accept my own.
Love me, hate me, protect me or hurt me, they help me see the beauty, light & hidden strength within me.
I love carefully. I love cautiously. But in the end, I always love completely. That's me.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Fr, 07.26.13, Real Love . . .
Real Love . . .
I woke up this morning at 4:20 to go to the bathroom . . . before I did so, I always walk out to check the AC --- so the last thing I expect to see is the window blinds wide open & my mother sitting in a chair, waiting. I do what I came out to do, she sees me, ninja that she is, and I walk back down the hall to the bathroom. Not even 10 minutes later, I hear the door jangle open & I know there will be a great story to follow. There is, and at least this time around, it's a funny one & no one lost any body parts, but someone got scared into submission.
I don't find out until after, that she's been sitting there since 3, waiting for the paper guy, who has been waking them every morning, throwing it against the wall. Not until after do I find out that she's not alone in this quest, that while she's sitting stakeout inside, her partner in crime for the past 55 years is staking out the patio, waiting to give her the signal of when to strike.
My parents are a most formidable team .... do not piss them off. They are like a pair of raptors, hunting. I have watched them most of my life & they, not the romance novels, are the reason I have faith, even after all the heartache, in love. They are friends first, lovers second. If you cannot trust the person beside you to have your back, no matter what, there is no point of being involved in the first place.
This pairing was actually an easy find, just off a bit by a few decades, two previous failed marriages (2 dad, 0 mom), a few stepchildren, a few countries away from where they were both born and one job that put them in each others paths. It wasn't an easy climb, but the end result was worth it.
I know it's possible to have a relationship that works, is fun, happy, loving & passionate, all of the time. But it is never just handed to you, pre-assembled . . . you have to be willing to never stop working at it. If you don't respect & trust each other, it's fucked before it begins. If you cannot figure out how to talk with each other, not at each other, it's doomed, because no one is listening. Honesty, with yourself & your partner, is key . . . because what you both want is important & if one of you is sacrificing too much, resentment forms, disrupting the foundation.
Compromise (that includes "the ability to agree to disagree"), compassion & patience . . . and always a sense of humor are all important. Very necessary traits to have in a friend & partner.
This is not wishful thinking. This has been my reality, the light at the end of my tunnel of Life's Challenges.
I woke up this morning at 4:20 to go to the bathroom . . . before I did so, I always walk out to check the AC --- so the last thing I expect to see is the window blinds wide open & my mother sitting in a chair, waiting. I do what I came out to do, she sees me, ninja that she is, and I walk back down the hall to the bathroom. Not even 10 minutes later, I hear the door jangle open & I know there will be a great story to follow. There is, and at least this time around, it's a funny one & no one lost any body parts, but someone got scared into submission.
I don't find out until after, that she's been sitting there since 3, waiting for the paper guy, who has been waking them every morning, throwing it against the wall. Not until after do I find out that she's not alone in this quest, that while she's sitting stakeout inside, her partner in crime for the past 55 years is staking out the patio, waiting to give her the signal of when to strike.
My parents are a most formidable team .... do not piss them off. They are like a pair of raptors, hunting. I have watched them most of my life & they, not the romance novels, are the reason I have faith, even after all the heartache, in love. They are friends first, lovers second. If you cannot trust the person beside you to have your back, no matter what, there is no point of being involved in the first place.
This pairing was actually an easy find, just off a bit by a few decades, two previous failed marriages (2 dad, 0 mom), a few stepchildren, a few countries away from where they were both born and one job that put them in each others paths. It wasn't an easy climb, but the end result was worth it.
I know it's possible to have a relationship that works, is fun, happy, loving & passionate, all of the time. But it is never just handed to you, pre-assembled . . . you have to be willing to never stop working at it. If you don't respect & trust each other, it's fucked before it begins. If you cannot figure out how to talk with each other, not at each other, it's doomed, because no one is listening. Honesty, with yourself & your partner, is key . . . because what you both want is important & if one of you is sacrificing too much, resentment forms, disrupting the foundation.
Compromise (that includes "the ability to agree to disagree"), compassion & patience . . . and always a sense of humor are all important. Very necessary traits to have in a friend & partner.
This is not wishful thinking. This has been my reality, the light at the end of my tunnel of Life's Challenges.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Can't Make You Love Me / Bonnie Raitt
6 months down, less than 6 months to go, I hope.
I hurt still, & this song reflects that, effectively . . .
==============================
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I hurt still, & this song reflects that, effectively . . .
==============================
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
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