How Do You Keep The Music Playing? / Patti Austin & James Ingram

@)~~~}

How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading
too fast?

How do you lose yourself to someone
and never lose your way?
How do you not run out of new things
to say?

And since you know we're always changing
How can it be the same?

And tell me how year after year
You're sure your heart won't fall apart
Each time you hear his name?

I know the way I feel for you is now or never
The more I love, the more that I'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever, forever

If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better as it grows
With any luck than I suppose
The music never ends

I know (how do you keep the music playing)
the way I feel for you is now or never (how do you make it last)
The more I love the more that I'm afraid
(how do you keep the song from fading)
That in your eyes I may not see forever
(Keep the song from fading)
Forever

If we can be the best of lovers
yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better as it goes
With any luck than I suppose
The music never ends

{~~~(@

Somebody / Depeche Mode

 @)~~~}
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
(S)he'll get my support
(S)he will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
(S)he'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact (s)he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
(S)he will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....


I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

{~~~(@

My Questions & His Answers . . .

.

I asked for what I wanted & needed ...

He gave it, willingly, I thought ...

But I guess he just didn't want to anymore.

Too bad he never got around to telling me that, clearly.

I still hurt a little, but its fading with my need to know why. 

I don't know what happened, but I didn't do anything wrong to you.

Life's Internal Choices . . .

Love & Detachment & Peace Within .... All of them, a choice. Always, your choice. No one else can make those decisions for you & no one else should. No one else gets blamed or praised but you. You and only you are responsible for the consequences of your actions.

You will never find the happiness you seek within another person, until you find it first within yourself. If you cannot be happy, genuinely & completely happy with yourself, by yourself, you cannot be happy with anyone else. If you will not at least try to figure that out, why should anyone else try to? You teach people how to treat you ... So if you don't want to be treated crappily, stop treating yourself that way. That's actually one thing you can stop cold turkey and pick better, today. Start paying attention to what you say about yourself, to others. The only way to find out what makes you happy, is to search for it, trial and error. That's what your life is for. It is that simple.

Pain is the same, no matter what or who is causing it ... it's how you choose to deal with it that matters most. Closing off, blocking it, ignoring it, doesn't make any of it go away. Facing it, feeling it & eventually letting it go & forgiving yourself ... is the only way.

 

We all make mistakes of judgement -- yet we are ultimately hardest on ourselves, sometimes brutally. We are not perfect & all-knowing; others can fool us well only because they've had much practice on many others ... and most of us don't usually go looking for a problem until there is one. I know I don't.

There is nothing wrong with giving second chances, only that the person being given the chance realize that it is a gift & appreciate that this gift is rare & cherish it. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. It's the chance we take in loving people. Most people are worth the chance, in my book. My choice, my consequences to live with . . . and I'm always up to the challenge that it will come out right. ;-)

.

My Way .....

I do what I do, how I do it ....

so that you know I'm always thinking of you,

So that you know how much I care,

So that you know you matter to me.

It's not lip service ....

I have just always been that simple.

Up to you to believe it, or not.

B, Ga. Ennui. . . .

I always write until I either feel better or feel nothing .... and this past Sunday (17th) made it 10 months, and I'm much better, much quicker than I expected to be. I can talk about it now with hardly any tears, and finally no venom.....it is what it is. I guess he wanted me to just disappear too & didn't feel he owed me anything, no explanation. Difference is, he never said it until the meanness & coldness of that last note & just walked away. Damn emotional coward. If I just left, he didn't have to explain the madness of his situation to me, whatever it was. 

Telling him how I felt was not me expecting anything, it was just me being truthful.

I didn't betray his trust, ever. I guess my word wasn't enough.

And I don't hate him, just what he did. I will always love the friend he was to me. I have lots of fond memories of that person.

I don't know what happened, and by now, I don't want to or need to know why. If I was a difficult person to speak to, I could understand, but I know I'm not. Whatever happened, that was his emotional crap, not mine .... and I genuinely wish him luck with whatever he's dealing with. 

All I ever did was ask to understand, not judge. Give me a heads up, that's all I seriously asked for. He knew that. ... & I was always clear about my intentions. When I shared the things that changed us, he was all over the damn board. When I asked about the thing he didn't wish to talk about, I guess I lost my friend status. .... and instead of speak to me like a human, he just spewed it at me, all at once.

I didn't want anything but his respect & understanding, which, after a decade or so, I thought I already had. ..... I never lied to him or betrayed his trust, but I got disposed of like I did something heinously wrong. His actions near the end say he never completely trusted me or just didn't care anymore. That's a reflection on him, not me. I regret nothing I did, and I'm better because of it all.

I thought he knew how to be my friend, but, I guess I was wrong. It happens. I had more faith in him than I should have. That's all I'm guilty of.

Gender Observations ...

Talking with you this week, prompted this commentary, this morning.... :-)

I wholeheartedly think, if I didn't grow up having a brother, some of the things men do would have driven me crazy or annoyed the hell out of me decades ago. I also feel that if my brother didn't have me, the same would have occurred for him, with women. We are extremely lucky to have had a wonderful relationship, but it didn't just exist ... we worked at it to make it this damn good. We are people who wanted the exact same things and had the sense to figure out how to give that to each other.

I have an extreme patience with most men, because they make sense to me; I seem to confuse most when I say that, but it's true. I see the struggles they have within as clearly as I see my own, so I try my best to not gender generalize or take every action personally.... unless that bullet or knife had my name on it, I don't flinch, much. My observations & experiences over time show me that all I've seen reverts back to basic human needs & desires ... that we all crave:

To be ...
Heard. Seen. Understood. Respected. Believed in. Wanted. Loved. Trusted. Happy.

Thank you Friend, for willingly giving me these gifts.

Break the Shell / India.Arie

I met a prophet dark as the night
She could see into my soul
Said she'd been watching and had some advice
She said shadows make you whole
A life without pain is a wolf in sheep's clothes
Cause if you listen to the lessons that it holds
You'll find the gold

Child its time to break the shell
Life's gonna hurt but its meant to be felt
You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself
You cannot fly until you break the shell

I can remember when I was a child
How the grown folks seemed so crazy
Why are they so angry, why are they so loud?
And when I grow up that's never ever gonna be me
That was the moment that I decide
That I would build a wall just shy of six feet tall
Too strong to fall

Child its time to break the shell
Life's gonna hurt but its meant to be felt
You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself
You cannot fly until you break the shell

Courage is not being hard
It's time to peel back all of the layers
You put between who You're meant to be
And You who are
And go be who You are

So much disappointment to finally understand
That there is no such thing as perfect
Were all simply doing the best that we can
And we have a choice to live or truly be alive

(This is your time)

Child its time to break the shell
Life's gonna hurt but its meant to be felt
You cannot touch the sky from inside yourself
A bird cannot fly until it breaks the shell

Do with these words what you will
Its time for us to be for real
You'll be stuck on the ground until
You finally break the shell 

"No More Smalling Up Of Me" / By Jean Wilson

"No More Smalling Up Of Me"

No more meekly saying 'yes'
When my heart is screaming 'no'
No more taming of my feelings
So my power won't show
No more hiding my exuberance
From disapproving eyes
No more watering down myself
So my spirit won't rise

No more 'smalling up' of me
Pretending I am not here
No more running from the music
And the spotlight's glare
No more living in this prison
Barricaded by my fears
No more turning and retreating
In the face of new frontiers

Even as I am speaking
I am taking shape and form
Harnessing my powers
Like a gathering storm
There's no obstacle so bold
As to dare stand in my way
I am taking back my life
And I am doing it today.

By Jean Wilson

Mirror, Mirror . . . .

I am a kaleidoscope, every turn yields a new, colorful image. Pretty spectacular.

I am a genie, ask and you will receive. Will you?

I am a worthy opponent, give me a good reason to stay & play. Go ahead, I dare you.

Secrets to keep . . .

I'm not a difficult person to know, but if one never tried to know me, then I don't share, immediately. To friend or foe, the door is always unlocked, but if you don't knock, you'll never know I'm just sitting, waiting for you, my next great adventure.


If you ask me the right question, you always get the answer you deserve. If you give me a safe place in your presence to just be, then I share without provocation, profusely & also quite impulsively. The closer you get, the blunter & more honest I become. If you don't want me to tell you what I see, don't ask me & definitely don't let me get closer to you; if you don't want me around, don't act like you definitely do. Don't confuse me. I have a right to be irrational if you do & I also have a right to ask for clarification if I'm not sure.


The potential to have all of me has always been there, no one I've met seems to want that. They have taken part & parcel, but not the whole pie. Never the whole has been accessed, so knowing what I have to offer is a mute point.

I will not beg. But you shall not pass without giving me what I deserve ... and that is attention worthy of what I have been gracing you with. I am worth the work.


 I don't threaten, guilt-trip or give ultimatums. I just ask.

And I will keep asking until I'm no longer confused or curious. That's it. No ulterior motive. I'm sorry if you are used to that from other girls, but that's not this woman. I have been left by those who gave me no closure; no clear desires of what they wanted; if you can't handle my simple questions, then my complex ones will fuck you up.

I have feelings. I use them. I don't stand idly still while someone tramples them. I push back.


I have the right to be irrational & confused if you are ignoring me & neglecting me, which hurts me, after you had the nerve to wake up & encourage hope in me. Silently walking away or provoking a fight so I will just disappear is the Coward Boy's game. Don't start something you don't know how to finish. I never treated you like shit or hurt you deliberately .... the least you can do is end this decently if you must go.

However, if you keep repeating the same mistake with me, no matter how many times I've expressed hurt from it, you apparently don't care about me & I start leaving before you. If you don't want me to go, then you need to pay attention.


I have always tried my best to be crystal clear with anyone who walks into my life; not getting the same in return, is, well, quite annoying & provokes me to pull back. If I'm silent and you don't have the common sense to ask me why, then it sucks to be you, dumbass.

My sarcasm stems from the fact that I'm tired of the bs. I have no filter left. Whatever I'm thinking & feeling, at all times, is right there on the surface. For the person who cannot respect my feelings, guess what? Your feelings mean not one iota to me either. So if I seem cold or mean or stoic, just remember, you get what you give me. If you are silent with me, I have nothing to say to you. If I ask you something & I get no answer, I'm not asking again .... I refuse to communicate with an empty room. I've reached as far as I can towards someone who clearly doesn't care anymore. And if you do, you have a fucked up way of showing it.

What I Need . . . .

A list already exists out there of what I want, my wish list or intangibles that has been partially completed, if at all. Wants are wishes, but needs are necessities, non-negotiable items.


Needs, however, don't always get expressed, but that has never been because I don't want to share them, that's only been because very few ever ask me . . . .


If maintaining your ego is more important than maintaining us, then you and your ego can spend many quiet nights alone without my myriad of creative endeavors. Your loss . . . Because I'm so much warmer & cuddlier than your ego. Every little thing you do or don't do, makes us or breaks us. Your choice, my dear. Choose carefully.



I need :::

+Someone who understands & respects the belief system of 
Option vs priority .... friends or otherwise. If you want me around, I
deserve better than crumbs. If you feel less & less of me around, it
is NOT because I'm too busy .... it because you are ignoring me &
thereby letting me go. You had my complete attention & you are slowly
losing it. I leave the moment you leave the equation, as soon as it
feels unbalanced. Always remember that.


+Someone who wants to be there, consistently & acts like it. Consistently doesn't mean every day, everyone had things to do, but at least show me that you give a damn about me. If I cannot see you, I still need to hear from you, occasionally. Give me something to hold on to other than the fleeting memory you are becoming because you don't want to look like you need me too. The difference between a boy and a man --- a man knows what he needs and isn't afraid to show it, no matter how it makes him look.


+Someone who remembers I exist. Out of sight - out of mind really, really, really hurts, well, Me. No one likes being treated like an afterthought.


+Someone I shouldn't have to remind to pay attention to me. Everyone likes attention, likes mattering to someone. I shouldn't have to beg or nag you for that & I won't. Either you want to, or you don't. If you start losing attention from me, you only have yourself to blame for that. I'm never too busy for you, but if the balance starts shifting, I will pull back. I have to for my own sanity. Self-preservation.


+Someone who has the sense to ask me, anything. You don't know me as well as you think you do, if you don't ask. I might surprise you. I usually do. ;-)


+Someone who has the sense to say what needs to be said, effectively, decently & promptly. There will never be a perfect time to say what needs saying, so just do it when you are ready to deal ... but realize one thing --- I am always listening, especially to what you don't say. I may never pull it out of you, but I know you are holding back. Half truths, those lies of omission, always have a way of biting you in the ass with me. I can handle the truth better than you'll ever, ever know.


+Someone who actually cares about what I think & how I feel. There are more than just You in this equation of Us . . . Act like it.



~~I'm like that lucky pair of dice, always landing on the number you
need to win . . . you just need to know what you want.

~~I have always been a sure thing, but if you can't figure out how to
express what you want & need, we have nothing to work with.

~~I need someone who wants to be seen & known & loved & happy. Those are
not an easy combination to come by.

~~I don't need to give you my friendship, I want to . . . but if you
can't figure out how to be present enough to let me in fully, then we
have a problem. I refuse to expend anymore energy on someone wasting
my damn time.



I think they are fair enough requests . . . . My needs are not that hard to live up to, if you want me to stick around. I don't ask for much, but I don't make a habit of asking because most of it is just common sense.


I've never had to ask you . . . You just do it all happily, I know because you've already shown me, every day you try.

Your efforts make loving you very, very, easy. It makes doing what I do for you & with you, so easy & so much fun.


Thank you for everything you do, Mi Dulce.

People ....

Show up in your life for a few good reasons ....

to help you or teach you, show you where you are and where you want to be ... and even where you don't want to be. To see if you learned the lesson they represent, or if you still need a refresher course. Will you choose different, or make the same error? Are you a quick study, or a stubborn one? Will you be sluggish &  get smacked again, or duck quicker this time? Or will you make no decision at all & let life steamroll over you? All of it, at all times, all your choice.


Where ever you are, is a life of your own making, and only you can stop the madness, if you really want to. Clearly some people don't, they would rather bellyache over what could or should have been, instead of seeing it as a bullet dodged, preparing you for something else. You are responsible for where you are, at every step of the way. You made the choices that led you here, to this exact moment. You could have the life you want, but you have to be ready to accept it & feel worthy of it when it comes. Hell, it could have passed you by already, quite a few times, but you didn't see it because you didn't feel deserving of it. You didn't think you were good enough, so you let it pass you by & allowed what was not worthy of you to stay & tear you limb from limb, until there was nothing left to fight for. Beaten down, you stay put. You are the only one who can fight for you, and if you give up that right, what wants to take advantage of you, will, with your permission.


You can accept the help if offered, or go it alone or do nothing ..... but you don't get to complain when you choose not to move out of the way. You don't get to blame others for the shithole you are in when you bypass the warnings you clearly got but didn't heed. And we get them, all the damn time. Sometimes it's just a feeling you can't place, but you know. We always know. Animals don't need proof, they just trust their instincts. We stopped doing so & look where that gets us.


I can say all of this not because of blind optimism, but because I've been there already. I take my chances with people & hope that some of them prove me wrong because I know both sides & root for the underdog, because I was the underdog before. Sometimes I get knocked on my ass, but I try. I know I'm worth loving & being cared for. I didn't always feel that way. I had to learn I was worthy.

Sometimes I get disappointed .... I cannot control other people's movements, only my own. Most of the time, though, I win. People can only hurt you if you give them permission ... bullshit. They can blindside you too, having become very good at deceit & you not looking for a problem because no clear signs show up. Some people have made bullshit an artform and wouldn't know honesty if it bit them on the ass, but I cannot let them stop me. Those are the ones you run from, quickly. The ones you don't give a second & umpteenth chance to, to fuck your heart & mind over.


I got broken once. Twice is not an option. I live. I love. I learn.

I regret nothing I do.
I regret no one I meet.
Their actions are their karma to deal with.
I accept my own.

Love me, hate me, protect me or hurt me, they help me see the beauty, light & hidden strength within me.

I love carefully. I love cautiously. But in the end, I always love completely. That's me.

Fr, 07.26.13, Real Love . . .

Real Love . . .

I woke up this morning at 4:20 to go to the bathroom . . . before I did so, I always walk out to check the AC --- so the last thing I expect to see is the window blinds wide open & my mother sitting in a chair, waiting. I do what I came out to do, she sees me, ninja that she is, and I walk back down the hall to the bathroom. Not even 10 minutes later, I hear the door jangle open & I know there will be a great story to follow. There is, and at least this time around, it's a funny one & no one lost any body parts, but someone got scared into submission.

I don't find out until after, that she's been sitting there since 3, waiting for the paper guy, who has been waking them every morning, throwing it against the wall. Not until after do I find out that she's not alone in this quest, that while she's sitting stakeout inside, her partner in crime for the past 55 years is staking out the patio, waiting to give her the signal of when to strike.

My parents are a most formidable team .... do not piss them off. They are like a pair of raptors, hunting. I have watched them most of my life & they, not the romance novels, are the reason I have faith, even after all the heartache, in love. They are friends first, lovers second. If you cannot trust the person beside you to have your back, no matter what, there is no point of being involved in the first place.

This pairing was actually an easy find, just off a bit by a few decades, two previous failed marriages (2 dad, 0 mom), a few stepchildren, a few countries away from where they were both born and one job that put them in each others paths. It wasn't an easy climb, but the end result was worth it.

I know it's possible to have a relationship that works, is fun, happy, loving & passionate, all of the time. But it is never just handed to you, pre-assembled . . . you have to be willing to never stop working at it. If you don't respect & trust each other, it's fucked before it begins. If you cannot figure out how to talk with each other, not at each other, it's doomed, because no one is listening. Honesty, with yourself & your partner, is key . . . because what you both want is important & if one of you is sacrificing too much, resentment forms, disrupting the foundation.

Compromise (that includes "the ability to agree to disagree"), compassion & patience . . . and always a sense of humor are all important. Very necessary traits to have in a friend & partner.

This is not wishful thinking. This has been my reality, the light at the end of my tunnel of Life's Challenges.

Can't Make You Love Me / Bonnie Raitt

6 months down, less than 6 months to go, I hope.
I hurt still, & this song reflects that, effectively . . . 

==============================


Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me


Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight


Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Love, Personified . . . .

Who is around doesn't want what I have to give.
They won't take a chance, and I shouldn't have to wait for them to get a clue.
This is how the Ice Queen comes into being.
I came dangerously close to being Her, long ago . . . and I do not wish to do so.

The last one in cut me bone deep & left me bleeding on the way out ...
Please tell me why I should give a damn anymore about anyone these days, 
Because I am growing weary of the deceit.
I'm so damn sorry loving me is too much work . . . it shouldn't be, if you really mean it.


Too many people play with your emotions until you start distancing yourself from the world.
I'm trying to not go there, but it is very, very tempting these days.


I have a fully functioning heart & I want to use it.
I am open to all possible outcomes.
But my hope is slowly dwindling, with each one.

So whoever truly wants this, needs to grow up & show up.
 Jump in before I disappear.

Hole Where Your Heart Should Be . . .

He used to tell me he loved me,
He used to tell me knew me.

If he knew me the way he said he did,
He wouldn't have done me in the way he did.

How do you sleep at night with a conscience as corrupted as yours?

Who broke you so bad that you learn nothing from your exploits?

You reap what you sow, but how can you do either when your field is barren & dead?

There's a hole where your heart should be, and I hope you find it before it's too late.

Emotional Collage . . .

These were during & after my breakthrough. 

I still feel this way in spite of the recent letdown. 

Shit happens. Lesson learned. 

But I'm not going away ever again.  

I like this new incarnation of Me.

~05.27.13~

~K~

*******************

For the first time . . .

My brain is quiet . . .

My heart is full . . .

My Soul is open . . .

My Spirit soars.

I feel happy . . .

I feel pretty . . .

I feel Divine.

My fire burns within me

    with the glow of Love.

Wash over and through me . . .

Cleanse me  . . .  set me free.

~2/15/06~

~K~

************************************

Divine Troops

The General --- Truth

Majors --- Trust & Faith

Captain --- Forgiveness

1st Lieutenant --- Surrender

Master Sergeant --- Perserverance

Private 1st Class --- Gratitude

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nagual

Some of us are Sorcerers.

All of us are Warriors.

We are conduits for the Spirit;

Some of us, more open than others . . .

Old & deep are We.

From the lake of Silent Knowledge,

Spirit resurfaces.

Its whisper starts as a drip . . .

Tapping us occasionally on the shoulder.

Slowly cracking us wide open,

It becomes a becomes a trickle.

Tickling us, here and there . . .

Transforms into a downpour,

Soul wide open & ready,

Overflows into a deluge.

Some of us choose the Path, willingly;

But kicking and screaming,

most of us follow our own.

Inevitably, Spirit does calls us.

And one way or another,

We always come back home.

~06/2005~

~K~

*******************

Answer Key

Life is not meant to be difficult ---

Not meant to be wasted ---

Not meant to be painful . . . .

You choose, high and low,

But in the end, you know . . .

The answers you want, come from ego;

But, the answers you need come from Spirit.

Who . . . are . . . you?

Leader by chance,

Teacher by fate,

Student by choice,

Spirit by birth.

What . . . . do you want?

Magic . . . Life made manifest,

Hope . . . a Dream fulfilled on faith.

Why . . . . are you . . . here?

Life is the school,

Love is the lesson.

Always know who you are . . .

And clearly know what you are . . .

You are the answer.

You are the key.

You always were.

You always will be.

~06/2005~

~K~

*******************

Basic, Simple Truth . . .

  

Definitely how I felt a month ago. Now, this is just funny. 
:o)  Still truthful, however.

Choices . . .

You never had to interact with me as intensely as you did --- You chose to. We could have spoken once or twice a week, a month, whatever --- you chose to respond every day. I didn't beg you to or force you to & was surprised when you jumped right in, more consistently than any man I'd ever known. I let you in closer to me because you did the same, without hesitation.

I was never gonna be a fair-weather friend & I told you that upfront. I never lied to you about ANYTHING. I don't know if you were used to someone being 100% honest with you, but I was. I was truthful with you at all times because I really don't know how to be deceitful & choose to not be dishonest. Our subject matter may have been playful & risque at times, but I thought our friendship was real, not a game. When I told you you were like family to me, I meant it. When I told you I considered you one of my best friends, I meant that, too. I cannot & will not speak or think for you --- I can only be certain of my truths & observations . . . for all of our innuendos, you made me no promises & I expected nothing more than what you could deliver. I went into this with no expectations . . . words are pretty, but actions speak volumes. I never expected perfection (God knows I'm not), but I did expect decency because you showed it to me. I expected obnoxiousness & humility for the same reason. I expected my questions to be answered because that is what you always gave me when I was confused. January was no different for me . . . it was just a question . . . that you could have said anything "decent" to . . . I can't talk about it, I don't want to talk about it, I'm not sure how to answer that, why are you asking me this . . . etc . . .  but instead, you chose to avoid it, be rude & snarky . . . to me.

You've never treated me like that before. It was never once necessary to be mean to me. That's why this hurts as much as it does. I never did anything to you that deserved meanness, and that's what confuses me most these days. Cutting me off & out, the way you did, was just mean. I don't know what's happening around you if you do not say something or I ask you. You let me in that close. What did you think was gonna happen? For all my dreams, hopes, wishes & admissions, I expected nothing more than you were able to give, nothing more than you wanted to give. I am that reasonable. I am that nice. I am that understanding. I'm sorry you didn't trust me enough to live up to those truths.      

Careless or Clueless or Heartless . . .

either way, a Big Fuckin' DumbAss . . .

I'm not apologizing for that & I'm done trying to figure out what the hell happened. This is the anger The Asshole left me with. There is nothing he couldn't say to me & for the life of me, I still don't understand why it played out the way it did. There is so much that could have been said on his part that just wasn't . . . and there is sooo much I didn't say because I have some self-respect. I have only a few options to work from about him --- emotional coward, mentally unstable, pathological liar or pussy-whipped bitch. Yeah, I said it. I'm just fuckin' tired of this shitty ending. And it was that . . . shitty. It was a shitty way to finish this.

I keep slingshot-ing between annoyance & acceptance because I just cannot wrap my brain around his actions. He thoroughly blindsided & confused me. I give up my friends for no one, unless you can prove to me that my friend cannot be trusted. If my friend is in a relationship, regardless of whatever transpired between us, I respect the relationship that person is in & do nothing to disrespect it or disrupt it, EVER. I know my place if I want to keep that friend. Now, if the friend cannot behave or didn't tell me anything so I don't get assaulted by the S.O. , that's not on me . . . take that issue up with your partner, because I am not and never intend to be a home wrecker. :-/

Somebody lied & it wasn't me. :o(  I have no reason to do so.

I'll stop writing about it when it stops hurting. I'm getting there.

Makes No Sense To Me . . .

Mayhem,

I am at a point where I'm writing this for me more than you. I don't know if you have read anything I sent you  up to now & I'm done trying to reach you. I have told you on more than one occasion . . . I'm sensitive, not psychic. When it comes to personal things, direct is best. You want me to know something, you have to tell me. Since you drag your feet saying some things, it's why I always ask. I hate being blindsided by things if I can help it. :-/ You told me I was a special woman & you didn't deserve me --- you were right about that. At the end of the day, the one you hurt wasn't the woman who had a variety of feelings for you . . . but the good friend who always had your back.

I suspect what drama you may be used to with the women you choose to interact with, but you know I'm different to any woman you've ever known or will ever know again, save your own mother, who I respect. You told me enough about her that I liked her instantly.

I regret nothing I ever said or did with you; I made a conscious choice to be 100% honest with you about everything I was thinking when I thought it. I never turned my back on you. I never lied to you.

Maybe what happened occurred because you are not used to that & didn't trust me to keep your confidence after we blurred the lines, but regardless of our emotional, sexual or spiritual intimacy, I never made any assumptions of what you always were to me . . . always my friend, first & foremost. Beyond anything else, that's who is deeply hurt & confused . . . which is why I'm totally at a loss for what happened.


I could have handled ANY truth you gave me; I don't feel you trusted me enough to understand. Maybe you doubted my loyalty. Or just got too many questions from too many directions.

Because you won't speak to me, I will never know why & you will never know the outcome because You took away my opportunity to choose what to do when you just up & cut me out. Instead of talk to me & keep a trusted ally --- you just removed me. Wow . . . that was cold & heartless, even for you.


Yes we crossed some lines, but, so fucking what!!! I don't know what you thought I'd do or say in their presence if & when I ever got to visit, but I have more tact & manners than you gave me credit for. You may be older than me, but I have more common sense than you & you know this, regardless of all our childish conversations. January left me feeling like we had totally different definitions of being friends. You may not want to discuss any of it, but I have to ruminate on it until it makes some sense to me.

You just disappeared . . . & I don't understand why. Why would you expect me to act any differently than I have been, when you say nothing, especially about the most important things, when you should? In one full swoop, you just cut me out with no explanation. Pearl Harbor Sneak Attack, indeed.

And even worse, if you didn't want to interact with me anymore, why did you bother including me in ANY of your plans and decisions? Why make me feel like I mattered to you if I didn't anymore? Why waste my time & yours? :-/ You didn't have to tell me about all the things I now know --- you chose to! WTF is your goddamn problem?!?!

I'm not even numb or angry anymore; just don't feel anything but sadness, confusion & disappointment. I'm not even trying to figure out what happened anymore, because it exhausts me. I don't let my friends go & I just cannot comprehend why you couldn't just talk to me like you always did. I don't recognize the rude caustic presence that was unleashed on me that day. You've never addressed me that way & I didn't deserve it.

We could have just drifted slowly; it's not like we haven't before because of Life's situations. You didn't have to kick me to the curb like you did. I wasn't some stranger off of Match.com  . . . I was your friend for a long time. Or at least I thought I was, according to you. I get the feeling that I was pushed away, I just don't understand why (and not JUST because I told you it's the only way I'd walk away {I never said I'd walk away quickly or quietly, Fool}) . . . I can only assume that it was because you, at your core, are an emotional coward.

I know you are not bad, just stupid & stubborn . . . because this vacuum between us is all about ego & you know it. Maybe it's because you were never loved by anyone unconditionally before. I don't know. I'm speculating. I'm usually right. :-)

Or maybe you are that selfish & narcissistic. No, if that were so, you wouldn't be such a good coach & you were that. You are good at what you do when you put your mind to it.

Maybe you just lost your mind & don't know where you left it. That one is also quite possible.

You either love me or hate me, because those are the only two reasons why anyone would or could do that to me.

I deserved a better ending for the friend I chose to be to you.

I feel like I was fired; my services were no longer needed or wanted, just like that. At least when I got let go from my last job, they gave me a month or two's notice . . . with you, I got invited to the party, then refused entry upon arrival. How do you include me in everything just to turn around & drop me from the guest list so harshly?

You included me in the job hunt & final acceptance --- the moving process --- your travel plans --- hell, even gave me your new address. So why would you do that just to remove me from the equation only 2 weeks into it all? What the hell happened between me being a "good friend & trusted advisor"  to me becoming & treated like "enemy #1"??? I didn't do anything to anyone to get treated like this . . . and when I asked you to help me understand, you got sarcastic & rude & just dismissed me. I don't know how else you expect me to interpret that.

I didn't need you to humor me or pity me, if that's all any of this was to you. I let you in because I liked you. Trusted you. Enjoyed you. Gave an honest damn about you. You took 12 years of friendship & flushed it --- and I deserve to know why. You know I'd never leave you hanging like this.

Being emotionally stoic is not gonna keep people close to you for long or allow new ones in. People are not obligated to tolerate you --- they choose to until they can't anymore. Your personal walls will force them to leave. I should know . . . I've had my own battle of the protective walls becoming a personal prison that I am glad to be rid of. When you met me, I had just gotten out on good behavior & was still growing from that point . . . then you show up & take me on an exponential healing curve. :-)


You are not just a friend to me  --- you are a Soulmate. You were here to help me heal some things. You did. That is the true nature of a Soulmate to me. They don't have to be Life Partners like everyone else believes & is forever searching for . . . some stay in your life, some don't. Some are your friends, some are your family, some are your lovers, and some are even your enemies.

I told you one day I'd explain, I just hoped it would have been in person & not under these circumstances.

Like a team trained by the same coach, we came from the same Soul Group, sent here, years apart. That feeling of instant knowledge about someone you just met comes from deep, deep within. It's magnetic & inevitable & necessary. We all come back here with cracks in our soul vessel left to fix & lessons still left to learn. We can do it alone, but it goes so much faster with a companion who has either "been there" already or is heading "there" too.

Contrary to what you think, I wasn't that transparent --- you were just that good at "seeing". You just don't trust your gift enough.

I always knew you were that to me. I knew it the day I figured out the automatically drawn picture I have --- a year before I met you --- was you. I knew it when I felt your presence every damn time you entered the building before I saw you & felt your absence like a physical ache when you didn't show up. I knew it whenever I felt suddenly overly protective of you . . . but I knew it for certain the 1st time you ever hugged me . . . because I saw things about us that shook me to my core. I experienced a feeling even I'd never had before, pure, innocent, Divine, unconditional Love. It was a physical (visual & an auditory reaction) as well as emotional sensation . . . & it left me speechless & disoriented, but for the first time ever, very free. Whatever pain & anger & regret was left in my heart, it was finally gone. I felt like the child I used to be, before anyone hurt me, open & happy & ready & alive. Your friendship recharged my heart.

I had to learn to trust my impulses again & you helped me with that. I faced the last of my demons with you. I am better now than I was when I consciously entered this friendship, and for that I will always love you & be grateful to you.


My friend, because of you, I allowed myself to feel everything instantly again, without worry. I allowed myself the freedom to speak my mind without hesitation or fear of attack. I regained the last of my confidence back. I will always love you for that gift. Thank you.

Wherever you end up, I will always be there for you, but you have to want me back. You have to come find me, because I didn't leave, you let me go. You have to feel & act like you deserve me in your life. You have to be strong enough to push past your ego & come get me.

I told you --- I don't hate you . . . & I never let my friends go. :-) Good luck.

Love you always,
Dragon

C U L8r . . .

I don't expect you to respond to me, now or ever, but I will always be
forever hopeful. That's me & I won't change that. I also deserve an
apology, but I don't expect you to give it --- you are too stubborn.
You will never understand how or why what you did was so hurtful . . .
and I am making peace with that.

At any point in time you could have just talked to me; I have always been
a fair & understanding person, definitely more than you ever deserved.
My only mistake with you was forgetting I was dealing with a mental
genius but an emotional child --- because only an immature child would
dispose of a good friend the way you did me, & I was a really, really
 good friend to you. I'm allowed to brag about that, because it was the truth.

Kinda hard to see how deep it goes when you don't have the person in
front of you to see it play out, Peter Pan. You don't have the capacity to
be any better than you are & for that I'm sorry I expected you to be
decent & reasonable, like you've always been with me. :-/

The more time away from you to think about it, it makes sense why you
would center yourself with people just as broken & childish as you,
because they are. I wasn't perfect & I never claimed to be; neither
of them is a saint & one day they will turn on you like you turned
on me. Not a prediction, just the reality of your actions.
Remember Karma. You always reap what you sow.

I told you, my conscience is clear because I know I did
nothing wrong to you & in your mind if I did, you never told me so I
could fix it. You lost one of the best friends you could have had in
me. All I ever did was ask you questions & play with you &
care for you. I never tried to force you to do anything.

You had a choice . . . you always had a choice. You still do.

I loved you unconditionally. I still do. I also wish you well in spite
of yourself. :-)

If . . .

If you are right, then there is no need to be angry.
And if you are wrong, then you have no right to get angry.

Patience with family is love,
Patience with others is respect,
Patience with Self is confidence.

Search a beautiful heart, not a beautiful face.
Beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful.

~~Syed Junaid~~

Stages of Release . . .

I can only speak for my gender & especially just for me . . . but when you disappear on a woman you care about without a word, this where your actions send her, especially if others have left damage to her heart behind:

Stage 1. --Concern/Worry:: She thinks something bad happened to you or is worried she did something to offend or hurt you. Contact her as soon as you can if she means anything to you. She can forgive a mistake, but selfishness breeds doubt. She needs that reassurance from you to remove that doubt.

Stage 2. --Hurt:: She realizes, from her own P.I. skills that nothing is wrong with you & can't fathom why you'd be that selfish & careless with her feelings. She's stewing & crying.

Stage 3. --Anger:: Reaction to the Hurt. Starts thinking evil, revengeful thoughts that she might & sometimes does, follow through on. Don't take her there if the relationship means anything to you at all.

Stage 4. --Regret:: Starts wondering why she ever let you into her heart like the last one who broke it.

Stage 5. --Reasoning:: Tries to come up with explanations for your actions. Pros & Cons stage of keeping you in her life or cutting you out of it. Also tries to make sense of your actions & her reactions --- & if they deserve understanding, forgiveness or consequence.

**What most men (correction, boys) don't realize is we cycle through stages 2-5 for a good long while & if you catch us while we are still in that cycle, it (friendship or intimate relationship) is still fixable. Your avoidance tells us you don't care & don't want to fix it. If keeping your ego intact is more important than keeping her in your life, then by all means, please do nothing.

The Reasoning stage is a very, very, very important one . . . b/c it's the thinking & decision stage. If I find the right reason to keep you around, I will. If I find the right reason to cut you loose for good, I will. The longer you let me cycle through regret & anger & hurt, the more you cut our chances. Leaving women alone to "cool off" for too long is never a good idea when you know you are at fault (purposefully or accidentally) for her unhappiness. And if you think she is wrong, then that is the best time to man up & present your case. Showing up to fix it or even end it if necessary, means more to her than you'll ever know, because way too many have just up & walked away, leaving baggage & pain behind. This is why I say it is in your best interest to never give a woman too much time to think.

Stage 6. --Giving Up:: kinda self-explanatory. Gradually erases any history / memory of your existence to make moving on easier. Is losing or has lost all hope you will be back.

Stage 7. --Mourning: If you haven't made peace before now, it's growing too late. She is beyond hurt & hate --- she's numb now. She waited long enough for you to decide  . . . & your silence spoke volumes.

 Stage 8. --Good Bye . . .

Perspective . . .

Part of a conversation with an old friend . . .
========================================

When I share a photo with you, understand that I've come a long way
from disliking what I see to loving it & appreciating it for what it
is .  .  . a special moment in time. I love looking at pictures --
just didn't always enjoy looking at pictures of myself. We are always
our worst critic, it always seems easier to pick at & focus on our
perceived flaws than our best assets. I know I have a great smile,
now. In the right photo, I'm actually the most stunning woman I've
ever seen. ;-) I wasn't always that confident. In fact, it was the
only thing about myself that I doubted but tried not to think about
much.

Growing up, my dad loved taking pictures. He had an old Bell & Howell
8mm & I can't think of a time when he wasn't filming us doing
something silly or fun. Over time, I've come to accept that I'm not a
bad photographic subject, the elements have to be just right.

However, the older I got, I always hated staying still for
photographs. I always felt like a trapped bird & couldn't wait for it
to be over (which now explained my goofy or annoyed photos from time
to time). I especially never liked taking candid photos .  . . the
kind where people call your name & you turn around at the worst
possible moment. Those are never flattering, & because of too many of
those, I made a point of hiding when the camera came out. I actually
always looked like someone woke a sleeping dragon. You see enough of
those of yourself, it gets a little difficult seeing your own
attractiveness.

Silly ones, however, are just truthful, and I can finally accept that.
Happy ones are just precious, & most of my best photos are taken by &
with people who make me happy. ;-) The few photos I have of us
together make me happy to look at for two reasons --- I know why we
are smiling (our usual verbal smackdown right before it) & the company
(if those pictures had been taken with anyone else that day, it
wouldn't have been that cute). To now know how much you hate photos
too, makes them extra-special to me. :-)

I've come to appreciate photos & pictures of myself finally because of
 my friend Trish. When your best friend is an artist, you tend to see
yourself quite differently over time as her muse. She's taken me in
color, in b&w, in sepia, in charcoal, in pen, in pencil .  .  . in
sadness, silliness, sultry bordering on sarcastic, spooky, sweet &
soulfully happy . . . and because of her need to create, I can't help
but like what I see now, all the time. ;-)

I can finally appreciate my face, all of me, in fact, because of the
first photo shoot we ever did together. She was taking part in the
Breast Cancer 3-Day & we had been brainstorming an idea for a charity
gallery presentation or calendar. The pictures that came out of that
shoot were life-changing . . . just because of the angles she took
them at. We got extremely silly after a while & some of the the photos
reflect that, but two in particular stuck with me & every time I look
at them, I smile, because for the first time I saw the beautiful woman
I'd grown into & I could clearly see Her in all her glory.

=======================================

Relic . . .

Why did you ever come to me?
Why did you open me up completely, just to turn around & leave?

Thanks for turning me into a big exposed nerve, then abruptly disappearing the way you did.

I hope you know, my heart is broken, my wings are crushed, my light is fading & my iridescent scales are growing dull.

Dust is starting to cover me & I have no energy to stop it. I can't recharge because you have stopped giving me a reason to do so.

I used to fly quite high, but now I don't even have that anymore. I feel neglected, abandoned & used.

You would know that, if you actually looked or inquired, like you used to.

Btw, thanks for asking . . .
As if you ever really gave a damn.

I'll be going now . . .
And I'll make sure I won't bother you ever again.

I might be in my cave if anyone cares to know. Or not. I might let you back in, or not. We shall see.

It's all up to you, really.


While you are enjoying new distractions, it would be helpful if you didn't forget about the old ones.

If you do, by the time you need it again, it might be broken or gone.

Busy is never a valid excuse. We are all busy, all the damn time. Find the time to connect before its too late.